And if the kids are white.....
GROAN. Double whammy.
Black kids are cuter than white kids, and dont act like you dont agree. Whenever someone shows me their new born white baby, Im always like....." Ya. Wow. Nice pink blotches and featureless dough face. So, listen......is the dad hot, and is he bi-curious?" When I see a little black baby, my obsession is scorching hot, and complete....and if Im not able to taste little black baby toes, then you'll KNOW what screaming, snot, and whining is all about. It'll all be coming from my face, out of the pure frustration of not being able to have little chocolate bite-ables in my salivating mouth.
Now and again, people ask Russ and I if we would ever adopt.
" oh...we plan on it," I say. " but only black babies. I point my finger hard into their chest, emphasizing each syllable. I look stearnly into their eyes, so they know I mean business.
"o-nly black ba-bies."
We will adopt 5, total....and we have them all planned out.
#1. Chardonnay:
Chardonnay is the hottest little bitch you're ever going to meet, and that's all there is. Next time you open a Cosmo magazine to get an eye full of perfection, immediately realize that your search is fruitless, call Naomi Campbell's management team to book her a first class airline ticket to where you are, allow her punch you in the collarbone with blood diamonds until you RECOGNIZE, then show her a picture of little Chardonnay...so she can reel, squeal, and politely step off of the cat walk, to allow TRUE brown succulence to set it on fire.
TROOF!
Chardonnay is the beauty pageant baby. We arent going to bother with putting her into school, because she is pretty. Plus, that cuts into rehearsal time. I dont care if she is only four. She BETTER work that shit, and work it CORRECT. If not, then itll be another sleepless night of watching the Beyonce Live In London DVD, over...and over....and over...and over...and over.....and over....
again.
" Oh, youre tired, and you want some water? HHhhhmmm....then maybe you SHOULD'VE done
prance, prance, head flip, wink, shoulder shimmy, pussy pop....
instead of....
prance, prance, head flip, wink, GLAMOR HANDS, pussy pop.
WHO'S A LITTLE IDIOT?!?!??!? YOU, ......IDIOT!!! Now hit "play", again...and watch how Beyonce doesnt screw shit up. And would it kill you to wet your lips?
Parenting is so difficult. Dont act like you know.
Vagenta:
Little Vagenta is the real sister to Chardonnay. She is very plain looking, but bordering on hideous. She is too thin, and gangley. Her nose is kind of like a Jew nose, but on a little black girl. She is most definitely wearing coke bottle glasses, and her hair is a shit mess. You cant do a single thing with it. She is a smarty pants like no other, and is always in the library. In reality, she longs to be Chardonnay. She wants glitz, glamor, and craves to be in spotlight. We keep her locked up in the attic when Chardonnay is in rehearsal, because Vagenta's pleading stare just makes her face look even more like rotting puke mixed with shit. Add a pleading stare onto an already hideous monstrosity...and its "lunch coming up", time. She can hear Chardonnay practicing, so she opens the attic window, and sings into the cool night air. Her voice is like melted honey. She is pitch perfect. Tiny blue birds perch on a branch near by, to hear the melodious tune. Vagenta looks up at the black sky, and a tiny tear trickles down her cheek. Thats when I march upstairs and chuck an encyclopedia at her esophagus. "NO SINGING!!!! YOURE TOO UGLY TO SING!"
See? Encouraging children to pursue their strengths, also falls under...' good parenting". Youre learning so much!
You're welcome.
Soiree:
Little Soiree is borderline retarded, but in a crazy/life of the party/fun way!!! We dont bother sending her to school either, because she makes us laugh..and thats what keeps Russ from slipping into a gruesome depression over the fact that we now have children together, and there is now no chance of him being free of my maniacal grip.......
"You hear that, Russ?......NO CHANCE!!!
MMMMMUUUAAAHHHAAAHHAAA!!!"
We are sure to teach Soiree every swear word by the age of 3, and what is so great about Soiree.... is her ability to repeat, like a cockatoo. We'll go to the grocery store, place her in the front of the carriage, pause while we are in the seafood department, and force her to call out...
" cunt explosion......aisle 5. "
Oh Soiree. Hurry up and turn 21, so we can dump Ecstasy down your throat, and take you to every gay rave in the US and Canada.
Pork Fried Rice:
Little Pork Fried Rice is our Asian baby. She is a silky haired lotus, and doesn't speak. Thats fine, because she is a violin prodigy, and she dont need to talk, thank you!!!! She is terrified of Soiree, which is why we lock both of them in a closet sometimes, and just guffaw about it. Children truly DO provide so much joy!!!!
Harvey Milk:
I was with Russ recently, and saw an African American albino boy, in downtown Boston. He was very Justin Timberlake-ish but not as wigga. I was immediately obsessed and wanted to touch his blondish/reddish afro, while I placed my face inches from his, and just stared into his pinkish eyes. I withheld, because I didnt feel like going to prison that day. But I want one. Ill hold up my tanned arm next to his milky white arm and then say...." Janet, Michael......Janet, Michael." Then Ill say....
"I am white, but my skin is brown. You are black, but your skin is white. "
Ill pause for a moment to really let that set in, but then Soiree will bust through the door, push him to the ground, call him a cum stain, then start biting his legs.
Russ and I will sit back, warmly smile, put our arms around each other, stare at our family, and then remember that Vagenta has been locked in the attic for 8 days with no food or water. Then we'll relax, because its not like it was Chardonnay or Soiree.
brilliant.
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