Ive always adhered to the belief, that if a little bit of something is good....than a lot of it, is even better. While this may be the case with some things......more often than not, Im just acting like a junkie mess.....and sorrowful times, ensue.
A LIST OF TIMES TO REALLY STICK TO THE "LESS IS MORE MOTTO".
#1. When you find yourself in bed with a black guy named Kenya.
#2. When applying chemical peel solution to someone's face. One layer is wonderful. Seven layers, and the face looks like an abortion that complains about a stinging sensation.
#3. When flirting with a guy, and youre not sure of his sexual preference. " Wow! Your guns are huge. How often do you hit the gym"....is ok, and you may even be able to cop a casual squeeze. Asking him if he thinks that your face is innocently sensual or more sensually innocent", means you may very well end up in ICU. When he is through with you, I doubt you will look neither innocent OR sensual.
#4. When injecting liquid into the base of your penis, so you can walk around with an erection at some leather party in San Francisco.
Right? Its happened to you a million times! I can feel you all relating.
I was attending The Folsom Street Fair, in San Francisco. For those of you who are not familiar.....Folsom St.... is an annual festival, which is a celebration of leather, fetish, kink, eroticism, bondage, s&m, and any dirty birdy-ness.
Ive seen one guy pee into another guy's butt, and then the afore mentioned pee receiver, pushed it back out, into the crowd. Im pretty sure he was a republican. It was like a Gallagher concert, but with AIDS. Ive seen fists go into every body part, public whipping, masturbation on the street, and men dressed from head to toe in black rubber, with only a pipe running through the mouth piece, so he could breath.
Do you like how I act like its other people who did all this stuff ,and not me?
Its called "discretion." Maybe YOU should try it, someday.
My ex partner and I decided to attend one of the parties, in these black, kind of see through underwear. I had the GENIUS idea, of procuring a little something called, Trimix. Trimix is a prescribed injectable, that was given to men with erectile dysfunction before things like Viagra, came out. You literally inject it into the base of your penis, and within a few minutes, you get rock solid. It basically pulls blood into your dick, and then closes off any exit valve. Unlike Viagra, where you need some sort of stimulation to get it up, Trimix is automatic. It goes up, and stays up, for anywhere from 2-6 hours. Listen, Ive got a sweet two inches, and I was ready to give the entire thing to those lucky citizens of the city by the bay!
Oh, and by the way, YOURE WELCOME, San Francisco. You couldve at least sent a thank you note.
We were in our hotel room getting ready, and did the shots. I was told that within 2 to 5 minutes, the drug takes effect, and youre left with a full salute. We shot. We waited. 2 minutes went by. Then 5. Then 8.
Nothing.
Zero movement.
Well....thats when I decided to really use some intellect and real brain power.
I KNOW. WE SHOULD DO MORE!!!!!!
Genius, right? Frustrated that you dont have me making all of your important life decisions for you? Well, you should be, jealous face. I not only have a sweet 2 inches, I also have Einstein smarts! No wonder Im not single.
We did another dose of the Trimix, and waited. Guess what happened? Nothing. It was like rigamortis had set into my no no pole. At this point, I was wondering if we had gotten a bad batch, so.....once again...who flexed his brain muscles? The retard in black underwear. That's who. We did......a THIRD DOSE. It finally worked. I was so.....um.......awoken.....that I may have even gotten a good three inches out of it.
We got to that party, and you KNOW we worked it for all it was worth. "Oh, yes...hi..my name is Ryan. Oh that? Its nothing. Just my ROCK HARD PENIS....READY TO DO SOME DESTRUCTION!!! Oh, you just wanted to get by me?....um...sure..no problem." Of course, we were the bells of the Hepatitis ball. We laughed,we schmoozed, we let any woman know that If she needed a baby at a moments notice, we were ready and able. Willing? Not so much.
The night wore on, and we got back to the hotel. At this point, it was about 3 am, and the pain had become so unbearable, that I was sweating. By 6am, we were both shaking in agony.... we knew that we had to go to the ER. There was NO WAY IN HELL that we could put on a pair of pants. We had to slip on jeans, with our junk poking through the zipper hole,and carry the hotel's towels, bunched up near our crotch, to get out through the lobby, and into our car.
Or in my case, a face cloth.
We got to the ER, and I was near blackout from the excruciating pain. You know how everyone uses the pain of a spinal tap, as a litmus for describing other painful traumas? " PPppffftt. Screw that noise. From here on in, I want it to be..." God, my broken nose was almost as bad as the time Ryan overloaded on Trimix in his wiener."
Ya, that sounds about right.
The doctor laid me down, and took a look. " HHHmmm...we are going to have to do some blood letting". Im gonna just say here, that blood letting sounds super 17th century and witch hunt-y, but I DID NOT GIVE A FUCK!! " Chop the shit off and sew it back on if you have to. Just make sure if you do, let me check with a friend named Kenya, to see if he'd be willing to trade." They stuck 2 large needles into the base of my penis, and then just let pitch black blood drain from me, for about 2 hours. The pain subsided, and eventuality I went back down to normal. I was black and blue for 3 weeks, and the doctor said that if we had waited much longer, there couldve been so much trauma, that full erection wouldve been impossible for the rest of our lives.
Theres a moral to this story. The moral is......now that I look back on it, sheer black underwear is tacky. Always go with a jockstrap or chaps.
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