BROWN TOWN

So, I feel like Im at the point in my relationship with all of you, where I can really share.

Or ....where I can really ...Cher. Either, or.

What Im saying, is that I feel like I can unleash my darkest inner workings. I feel like I can also rent a horse, put on a long black wig, get buck naked, drape myself in some feathers, and try to tongue my own nostril for the 14 minute duration of the dance remix to " Half Breed",

.... and you wont judge me.

Are we there?

Good. Lets proceed.

Here is a list of some of my amazing qualities, that .....sigh,...... how do I word this? Make me better than you? No......needs to be less harsh. Lessens you, to me. Ah.....perfect!

THE LIST

#1. My comedic genius. And you know THATS true. When I open my mouth to deliver some savory comedy, you starving sons of bitches are battling each other like seagulls after a french fry, DESPERATE for a morsel. That, or you have seriously NOTHING better to do at 3 pm on a Wednesday, and my half ass blog provides about 2 seconds of minor stimulation.

Like having sex with a Brit.

#2. My physical perfection. Um, youve seen it. And even if youre straight....youre probably a little Ry-curious. How could you not be, when you see a 36 year old wrinkly fore-head, pitch black eyebrows the size of Nebraska if they're not weed whacked daily, and wrists that make Ethiopians wince.

lol...that was a good one.

#3. My sexual prowess. Oh.....thats right ladies and gentlemen. Dont you worry about it. Mr Ryan KNOWS whats up in the bedroom. And after 3 viagras, 45 minutes of viewing porn, 2 tabs of Ecstasy, and some good old fashioned auto erotic asphyxiation.....youll SEE what my 8 inches can do.

Well, its actually 2.5 inches. The rest is pubic hair, and a taint like a portobello mushroom.

I mean, the list goes on, and on. Unfortunately, one thing that CANT be on the list is, " ability to hold bowels."

I was walking down to the subway, in downtown Boston. I had just gone shopping, and was holding 4 or 5 big bags. As I was almost to the platform for my train, underground....I kinda felt....a little.....toot...coming on. Just a baby one. Tiny. Practically nothing. Im standing in the middle of a stinky, downtown Boston, subway track...who's gonna notice a little tooty?

hhhmmm.

So, I go to do it.

"toot".

Guess who made a bad judgment call? Um, I dont know? The faggot standing on the subway platform, with steaming hot shit, running down the back of his legs!!!!!! THATS WHO!!!!! When I say...' I shit my pants"...you dont get it. Im talking about....Im standing in the middle of 500 people, underground, holding 30 pounds of shopping bags, and a gym bag, and there is dark brown shit filling up my underwear.....

and the amount was such, that it then cascaded out of the containing brims of my underwear...to flow down my hamstrings, onto my calves, and into my socks.

Lets play a game, here. So, you tell me, smarty pants. What would YOU do?

Oh, not shit yourself in the first place? Good call.

I froze. I panicked. I was knee deep in a code brown emergency, and my options were few. I bounded back up the stairs, and luckily...there was a Macy's near by. I got in there......all the while, I felt icy cold boom boom, now in my socks, and on the soles of my feet. I asked the information desk where the nearest bathroom was. OF COURSE it was on the other side of the store.

Poop walk, poop walk, poop walk. All through Macys, I left my scent. I was in a walk/run.....and everywhere I went, I assaulted unsuspecting strangers with the smell of last nights grilled chicken pizza.

I dove into the bathroom. And..because Jesus hates me....all the stalls were full. One cleared out, and I practically pushed over the poor Asian guy coming out. Mostly, because I love to push over Asians.

Especially in bathrooms.

Now, heres the thing. How am I going to sufficiently clean myself, in a stall? I was boxed in by all the bags. I took off my dripping pants, and did the best that I could with toilet paper. I walked out, washed my hands...and made my way back to the subway. Here was where a whole new panic, set in.

The smell.

Do I take a cab back home.....clearly throwing myself under the bus to some cabbie...revealing to him that Im a 36 year old man who just poops himself?

Or do I take the subway, with the hopes of blending in?

I took the subway.

I got on, and I WISH I had video of me, because Im positive my face looked as guilty as a homo who shits his panties outside of Macy's Boston. I immediately searched for the most homeless-y looking booze bag, and I luckily...I found him! I plopped right down next to him, just in time to see a wake of subway patrons, crinkling their noses. You KNOW I did it too. I was the most obvious one...waving my fingers in front of my face, plugging my nose....I mean....REALLY? SOME PEOPLE!!!

Its called a ' toilet".

Ever hear of one?

Now I can add killing a hooker who got too lippy, and pooping my pants...on my list of " things homeless people can take a rap, for".