Sometimes, I like to just have nice little sit.....pour myself a delicious mid morning Jagermeister shot or six, tear myself off of the "transsexuals seeking men" section of Craigslist, and just let my mind wander.
When I do this, the very first thing that pops into my head, is .....
" How do I get that hot Guinea, slut cop who is always over seeing street construction in my area... to come to my house while Russ is at work, and pretend that Im a Hispanic felon with a rap sheet a mile long.... and a real chip on my shoulder. I HAVE to be Hispanic in this scenario, because they break laws.
He's taking me through the booking process ,and Im just being a real dick, and SUPER hispanc-y about the whole thing. Im all.....' cholo, puta, ese...", and that sexy cop is just not having it. He's gotta pull me into a separate holding room, because Im causing too much of a scene....and thats when that muscle bitch cop notices that my mouth looks an awful lot like the vagina of the underage prostitute he arrested last week....and then its fucking ON!!!!!
The other thing that I dream about, is being a contestant in a beauty pageant. This is the more likely of the two fantasies... because I'm AMAZING looking.
And heres the thing that Im not sure you people are really getting. When I say " amazing", what I mean is.... REALLY REALLY good looking.
Stunning.
You'll immediately punch your spouse in the neck, for not being me. The first time you see this vision in a "too tight for his age" t-shirt, coming in your direction, its over. We WILL end up inside each other. I hope you've had your HPV vaccination.
I would love to be a contestant in a beauty pageant, not only for the opportunity to have sex with the z- list celebrity judges... ( Im looking RIGHT at you, Nick Lachey), but so that I could really give the audience some answers to remember, when the Q&A section rolls around.
(Question:)
What is one negative thing that you would change about the current world today...and why?
(Me:)
"PPppffftt. Ill tell you what I would change. All the FUCKING white people. Id kill off all the crackers....and in the most brutal fashion possible. They can all take their " paying taxes"....and " mojitos"...and their " Journey's Greatest Hits" CD's, and go screw. Id gather all the beautiful, sassy sista' s and the chocolate Neanderthals with their penis's of might.....and pop pussy all night long on top of the rotting carcases of Caucasian McWhitey. Then we'd eat Chicken and Waffles."
Black people love chicken waffles. Oh, forget it. Its not funny if I have to explain it.
(Question:)
If you could have a conversation with one historical figure living or dead, who would it be, and why?
(Me:)
"I would choose Michael Jackson. My first question to Michael would be, " What did it feel like to constantly be out done by Latoya? In EVERY way. My second question would be....." to get a five year old's blood and tears mixture out of sequins...did you use bleach and water.....or just straight laundry detergent? "
( then I would chuckle, because I had just used the words ' Michael Jackson", and " straight", in the same sentence. The host of the show would laugh too.....and then thrust his pelvis into the front row)
( Question:)
Working with a charity, is always a requirement of the current title holder. if you win, what charitable organization would you work with, and why?
(Me:)
"Well, first off..I get your implication of " charity work", and I WILL NOT be sitting on your face later, back in your hotel suite. "
( for under $500.00 cash or money order for that same amount)
"I plan on working with retards. You know....retards....hold such a special place, for me. Sure some people laugh at their forever drool string... coming out of their mouths, or the googley eyes.... or mis-shapen claw hands. But NOT ME!
( This is where I put my hand to my heart, and look off into the distance. Im dewy and glamorous).
"I mean...sure..... I laugh for a second. But then I feel sad....but then feel happy that Im not like that!!!! And isn't being happy, whats it all about?"
The crowd erupts into thunderous roars, and Im crowned the winner!
Thats when Im yanked from this dream world, by the sound of someone crawling through my living room...trying to steal my big screen TV. Thank God he is Hispanic, and thank god I know of a certain cop down the street who wont put up with his ethnic felonies.
And Russ wont be home from work HOURS!
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