"MOAN"-A LISA!!!!!!!

WARNING!!!! EVERYTHING in all of my blogs, is 100% factual. Absolutely NOTHING is fabricated.

My best friend's name is Lisa, and I abuse the mother fucking shit out of her. We have been friends for over 20 years, so who is the actual person with severe mental deficiency? The abuser, or the one who keeps coming back for more....2 decades in a row? I think its kind of like the battered wife, who just cant seem to leave.... although she knows she should. Ill give Lisa a good verbal backhand like....." Really Lisa? Youre gonna eat......ice cream? I mean, okay. But dont expect ME to do your errands, when you lose your foot to Diabetes. She ALWAYS comes back for more. I mean the abuse...AND the ice cream.

I met Lisa when I was 16, and she was 49. Lol. Did you read that Lisa?!?!? Or do you even get the joke?

Sigh...See, cause that would make you almost 70 years old now, Lisa.

Forget it people. She doesn't get the joke. Arent old, heavy people just sad?

Lisa tells the story about how when she was a young teenager, she was watching Eddie Murphy on Saturday Night Live. He was doing a skit where he was a queeny hairdresser, and according to her....thats when she thought...

" Ive gotta get me one of those".

And boy did she ever. She found the best one!

My abuse to Lisa, and varied and brutal. I really like to come at her from every angle, and here are just a few of the ways I make sure she doesn't get too full of herself.

VERBAL ASSAULTS:

#1. Lisa...do you ever just sit..... and try to picture what your sister's vagina looks like?

#2. Lisa, when its time to be intimate with John, do you ever.....lay there, and as he is crawling on top of you.....do you ever place your lips right next to his ear, and say something like...

- " Make love to me, for I am your wife ....and the mother of your children. Enter me, where those very children came out. "

* Im also going to throw into this section, the fact that Im CONSTANTLY trying to talk Lisa into introducing another person into her marriage. "Lisa, wouldn't it be sexy if...I dont know..maybe some night John came home with some woman he met out at a bar named Brenda. She has black hair, but its the kind of black thats too black....and has been dyed too much with a sweet box of CVS brand hair color. She likes a good ciggy, first thing in the morning, and her vagina smells like abortions. She loves a nice acid washed jean short, and wears a bandanna tied around her wrist. She loves Joan Jett, and WWF. Maybe in the morning, you get out of bed, and youre making breakfast. Your kids are at the table waiting, and they notice the strap of your too thin nighty, keeps falling over your shoulder. But you dont care..because you know PASSION! Youre cooking up some eggs, and the scents from the night before, waft from your fingers up to your alert nostrils. MMMmm....abortions, and eggs!

Isnt it ironic? Dont you think?

John saunters out, with a devil may care grin. ' Oh...hello Mrs. Johnson,"...he says. He pats you on the fanny as he takes a seat. " Oh...good morning Mr Johnson. Would you like eggs?.......

or legs?"

This is when Lisa lets out a throaty chortle... from her lips...and...."her lips".

Thats when Brenda comes out from the bedroom and the children look up.

" Girls....this is Brenda. She'll be sharing our life......"

Lisa walks to Brenda, and presses a lingering kiss on her dry, barren lips.

"She is earth, air, fire, and water. Especially water....

in my panty no no."

Eh, she still isnt going for it. ill keep working on it.

#3. (on the phone). Sigh....Lisa....you haven't gotten any fatter have you? You were PRETTY big the last time I saw you.

#4. My introduction to someone she doesn't know...." This is my friend Lisa. She has long black hairs growing out of her nipples.

#5. (While in the produce aisle of a grocery store.) " Lisa......this apple looks good!" ( I proceed to drag my nostrils over the entire body of the apple while sniffing..and then return it to the pile.) " NOPE!!! That one wasnt good. Lisa? ...LISA?!?!?!? Where are you going?

#6. Lisa....would you rather give me oral sex or eat out a REALLY dirty stranger's pussy? And I mean...REALLY blow me. Just sucking, all night long. Going for broke. Lisa? Are you picturing it?

#7. Lisa, I love your hair color. Its like God puked, spun it into gold, and then stuck it on your head.

#8. Lisa.....when you're putting in a tampon....do you ever just throw your head back, lick your fire engine red lips, and savor the sensation?

#9. (When somebody mistakes us for being married). " ME?!?!? MARRIED TO HER?!?!? Um.....no thank you. Im all set with AIDS.

#10. Lisa....has anyone ever told you that you have cow tits?

#11. (Again...upon introducing her to someone she doesnt know). This is my friend Lisa. What would you say you like least about her? Her muffin top or camel toe?" Lisa....turn around good...so they can really see your muffin top.

#12. ( When we are in a public, confined area). Urgh! Lisa! Im buying some handy wipes...I can smell your quim!!! What? Lisa...no one knows what a "quim", is.

PHYSICAL ASSAULTS:

#1. I REALLY like it when we are in an Applebee's parking lot, or any very public place, and grab her from behind and just ram her ass as hard as I can. She screams, but then I remind her that I need to let people see that she is getting what she deserves. Its most effective when screaming out, " Take it, bitch!" or, " Youve been waiting for this all night, whore!

2. When we find ourselves on a dance floor, and Lisa's had herself a Long Island Iced Tea.....she has a patented dance move. That move is.....I come up behind her, grab her by the hands...and make her jerk off for everyone. I forcefully guide her hand down to her crotch, and she GOES TO TOWN. I berate for being so horny and for being DISGUSTING because I know she gets off on people watching. She just keeps on dancin' and jerkin'. Its who she is.

#3. Im forever hand raping her jugs. Im always trying to undo her bra, put my finger in her butt, or caress her loins. I try to soothe her by saying, ' c'mom baby, its gonna feel good. Isnt it hot knowing that I have been with thousands of men, but Im attracted to YOU, Lisa? Can you smell them on me? Ya? But I want YOU, Lisa? isnt that hot? "

LISA'S NICKNAMES

-White Shart Johnson

-Low Tide Johnson

-Juicy Rewards Johnson

-Juicy Details Johnson

-Juicy Contradictions Johnson

-Neptune's Garden Johnson

-Soft & Crafty Johnson

-Thick & Thirsty Johnson

-Burly Angel

-Loads of Hope Johnson

-Thunder Fuck Johnson

-Pillow Fuck Johnson

In closing, I love Lisa like Ive loved no other. She is my earth, air, fire, and water. Especially water. Because she loves it when I piss on her face.