Im not a religious fella, by ANY stretch of the imagination. I do believe in alcohol. Specifically, chardonnay or a cucumber martini. And in conjunction.... if a vicodin happens to make its way into my bloodstream.... well then maybe there truly is a Jesus. Those pharmacists and doctors who say DONT take pain killers with alcohol, are really just selfish drug hoarders....trying to amass all those beautiful beautiful pills to party with, themselves. IM ONTO YOU, CRACK WHORES!!! Greedy, much?
While I love to ruin any possibility of having a functional liver, I would never press that view onto a perfect stranger. Unless he was 18, fresh off the farm somewhere in Montana, and had perfectly formed upper pectorals from hay tossing. Then Id have no problem taking him to a strip club, and preaching the word of 20 vodka cranberries. We'd finish off the night by me coming out of the bathroom of our hotel room ( that we are sharing to...um....." cut costs"....( said the guy with $1000.00 in cash in his wallet)..... dressed in Kmart lingerie, cheap whore lipstick, and a friends Halloween wig from when he was Britney Spears.
Fine.
When I was Britney Spears.
You may be a little uncomfortable farm boy, but its almost as good as the real thing so stop squirming. Itll just be easier on everybody. Oh, you need another drink, and half a pill? See? I made you a believer, didnt I?
Huh, I incorporated Jesus, drug abuse, and date rape. Its like every headline from the past 3 years.
TESTIFY!
Anyhoo, I was on a flight on Southwest airlines. I got on the airplane, and it was pretty full. Im an aisle seat kind of guy, and after a quick survey of the scene, I decided to sit next to a woman of about 40, and her teenage daughter. It looked safe. Guess who was wrong? The person typing this blog, who is jaundiced from liver shut down. Thats who.
I asked if the seat was available, and she has said that it was, as her husband and younger son were sitting in the row in front of us. I immediately checked out her hot husband. We took off, and for about the first 45 minutes, there was no communication. I read my book, and the mom and daughter did the same. After a while, the mom who was in the middle seat, struck up a conversation. She asked where I was from ,where I was going, etc. She was very sweet.....but then......it all took a turn.
I was lulled into a false sense of security...when.....she asked it. The sentence I DREAD to hear.
"So....have you accepted Jesus Christ, as your personal lord and savior?"
Im sorry. Jesus, who's it? Is he a trainer at Boston Sport's Club? I dont use a trainer, I work out alone.
I went into full on panic mode. Those are the eleven most terrifying words in the English language. I would put, " Im sorry Mr Scott, but its malignant", or " We will no longer be filming any more episodes from the Real Housewives, series", right behind " have you accepted Jesus into your life", as most terrifying.
NO!!! No I havent! Accepting Jesus means that I can no longer throw things at homeless people or attend tranny orgies.
Sorry. Its called "priorities". Type it into your search box, and get back to me.
I respect any and all beliefs. Listen...its all you, sister Christian. Whatever gets you through the day....believe it all you want. I personally believe that Jesus is up there with mermaids and Santa, so what am I going to do now? I went with the truth.
I told her that I was a big 'mo, and the whole organized religion thing, just wasn't my bag. No offense intended. Well, let me tell you.....that fueled her fire. What time is it? Its saving time.
The bible came out, and a FUCKING NOTEPAD!!!! She pointed out scripture, wrote things down, and so sincerely explained that I seemed like a nice guy, and needed to understand that I was Hell bound.
Um. No shit. What are you going to tell me now? Grass is green? Water is wet?
She asked me what I Knew about the bible, so I said...." oh you know. Doesnt someone find a magic bean, and then wake up a sleeping princess by putting his fist in her vagina, so she can leave the ball by midnight?"
My point is this. Im not going to sit down next to a stranger, on an airplane, and then out of the blue say something like...." oh, so just out of curiosity. Do you like a reverse cowgirl, or are you a missionary position kind of gal?" Well, I mean....Id love to, and if someone did that to ME? Id immediately stick my tongue down there throat and buy them ANYTHING they wanted. I wouldnt do it, because it IS NOT appropriate. Dont ask me about Jesus, and I wont ask you about the possibility of your hot DILF husband letting me pee on his nipples in the airplane's bathroom.
We understand eachother?
Now please excuse me while I use the facilities. The fact that your husband is getting up too....is purely coincidence.
I swear to God.
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