My mom and I have been getting into the same argument for almost 20 years. She will claim up and down, that I was an adorable little boy. " Ryan...you were! You were such a cute little boy, I just wanted to kiss your cheeks like crazy".
Mmmhhhmmm.
Right, bitch. How were your Quaaludes and Riuniti on ice?
Then why do you have the same look on your face when you say this........ that I make, when Im doing walking lunges with 70 pound dumbbells in each hand? Ill tell you why. Because much like the strain of trying to support that amount of heavy weight with just MY butt cheek muscles, YOU'RE straining not to bust out into hysterical laughter, from the stream of evil lies coming from your lie-ing mom hole.
Thats why.
Of course my older sister was beautiful the minute she plopped out of aforementioned liar. She was a hot little coconut baby with flawless skin and the vagina of a one year old. The shit was TIGHT! She was gorgeous at one, ten, 20, 30, and 40. She was icy, distant, and always on point with her sexy. She was the Joan Collins of Central Maine. Im still not 100% clear as to why my mother didnt just chuck my ass into the garbage, and try again. I may have cleaned up nice in my later years, but lets just get this straight, right now. I was born with a nose that would make any Jew immediately punch me in the face with a sack of gold, just so that Id be forced to go back into the hospital and repair that shit.
Its called, " sympathy." Dont ask me how those Godless heathens know about it...but they just do. Okay?
To add to the sex appeal that I was rocking at two years old, I had a sweet pair of crossed eyes. Every single picture of me from my youth, looks like someone just shook the be-Jesus out of me, forced fed me a gallon of Crown Royal, and then sat my homely ass on the Tilt-a -Whirl for the second half of the 70's. I was Siamese cat-ish, in my cross eyed quality. I looked like a retarded Siamese cat with a bowl cut. You know what I say, then? WHY NOT toss on a pair of coke bottle glasses? Yes, dear readers. My aunt used to call me " the little scientist", but really I think she meant......." oh, enjoy never having any kind of sexual relations in your adult life, my little walking abortion nephew who makes me feel both sad and angry. at the very same time. Now go in the other room so I can finish my meal without looking at you." I was like Cousin Oliver, but with a propensity for Lynda Carter
My hideousness, really had multiple layers. It was a tapestry of carnage, that was delicate in its wrongness, but robust in its in-bred like qualities. Added to the list, were a set of teeth that looked like they were embroiled in some serious battle with each other. Im talking..like.....some " Kill Bill", shit...but more violent and without Uma Thurman's skinny neck and bug eyes. My front teeth stuck straight out, as if they were both trying to desperately escape.
Do you think Im done?
WRONG, nigga! There's more.......how terrible/fantastic is that?
Huge nose, crossed eyes, buck teeth, and......to really dot the " i",
as in....."it"
as in..." kill IT before IT moves again"......
I was born pigeon toed. Now stop reading and sit back for a minute,..... ( or stop jerking off, if youre some German priest who's really into underage, in breds who could open a can of peas at a moments notice)...and REALLY let all this swim around in your brain for a hot second. I had it ALL! From top to bottom, I was state fair material, and when you add on the fact that it took me until I pretty much graduated from high school to figure out how to work a zipper on a coat.....
MMMmmm.
FIRE!
My feet pointed inward, and I was forced to wear braces to correct them.
Oh
And take ballet classes.
Ya......try not to lose your shit. Compose, yourself. COMPOSE YOURSELF, FOR CHRIST"S SAKE!!!! Im an in bred, blind, fucked up grill, gimpy ballerina..and I make zero apologies. You know why? I grew up, and things sort of righted themselves, out. I discovered the gym, spray tanning, chemical peels, and the date rape drug, so....... my aunts opinion of my future sex life, never really came to pass. I get plenty of tail. Its just that, its always a felony.
YOU GOT SERVED, BITCH! Hows it feel to be so wrong?!?!?!?
I just think we should've moved to Mississippi. I would've been king Glamor, down in that puke pile of a state. No offense to Mississippi-ians. Its just that you're all swamp creatures. I mean that, in the most beautiful way.
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