"DIZ" TO THE "ORA"

My grandmother's name is Dora May, and she is hot. Chances are, hotter than you. But definitely not hotter than me.

She is hot, because she is 89 and god damned hysterical. She doesnt mean to be, which makes it THE SHIT! Where as I am hacky, pedestrian, and offensive.....she is to the point, spot on, and doesn't miss a trick.

Some quotes:

#1. In response to my nephew...who was talking to a group of us in the kitchen about his roommate, who was dating 2 black bisexual strippers.

" they really know how to move".

#2. In response to me, telling my mother how I had stopped at an adult bookstore to buy a plastic vagina as a joke gift, but the cheapest one that they had was $50.00

" thats too much!"

#3. When asked if she would be open to posting an online add for people over 80, she waved her hand and scoffed. I told her we could take a picture of her on the sofa...maybe her dressing gown would be falling over her shoulder while she held her cup of coffee. The caption would be " DORA THE EXPLOR-A". She indicated she wasnt interested. I told her we could find an African American fella to...." turn her out"...I said this while holding each index finger up on both of my hands, about 15 inches apart." No dice. Then I said that if she found a man...maybe he would take her up to the casino, and pay for her gambling for the night.

Her lack of response said without saying..." this idea, intrigues me...."

#4. She loves to claim how she has " no problem with anybody". Oh really, gram?", I say. I crinkle my nose and move in closer. " What about Puerto Ricans?"

"I dont have a problem with them", she says ostentatiously. She wont even look at me, and dignify this whole game, by meeting my stare.

Okay, I say. I narrow my eyes, and inch ever closer. What about blacks? I really hiss out the "ssss", on the word blacks.

"Colored people dont bother me a bit. "

Im in heaven. The phrase " colored people", is like a summer breeze on my ears when its coming from a hot nana with nothing to apologize for. At this point, Im giddy.

My brow is sinister. Im 5 inches from her face now. My focus is unforgiving. " What about......homo's?"

"Theyre great tippers, Ill tell you that much."

Dora was a waitress back in the day, and like every server after her....recognizes that fags tip huge. ( and in my case... if youre a stripper with a C section scar, Ill just give you my credit card.)

This was it. I wrung my hands in evil anticipation. Our faces were almost touching. My snarling lips, just mere centimeters from her ear. " How about.................. Jews?"

She ever so slightly turned her head towards me, and through the tops of her glasses said,

" well......."

Who's head is down, hands slapping the table? I think you know.

To all my Jew readers.....you KNOW I love you. I love a hot, Jesus hating Jew. But you're not the greatest tippers, and you know it.

Oh Dora, you're the less Jew-y Sarah Silverman of Central Maine.