I was talking to my friend Lisa, yesterday. You know what I said to her? First I says.....I says..." Lisa! Stop asking me if I have 3 Negro friends who just got out of prison. Its not MY responsibility to help you carry out your rape fantasy. Post on Craigslist like everyone else! ( you know when I say "everyone", Im talking about my boyfriend, Russ........the MINUTE I go out of town.) Once that was settled, we went on to discuss the recent event that we have on our calender. The event, is a drag show. All 6 of you reading this, have already read my previous blogs...so you know I love a drag show.
And just a side note.
Why the shit arent the 6 of you reading this, passing it along to your friends to read? CHRIST!!!! You all are DESPERATE for me to keep writing new blogs, but you think Im just gonna keep doing it for YOU yahoos?!?!?!? What does RYAN get out of it? You know what he gets? He gets his precious energy level depleted. Thats what. IM NOT YOUR SONG AND DANCE WHORE!
Who am I kidding? Yes, I am.
"Let me loosen up your collar, tell me....DO YOU WANNA SEE ME DO THE SHIMMY AGAIN?"
Back to drag. So...this particular show, is not taking place in a large, glamorous city, where a drag show blends seamlessly into the bustling urban landscape. Its taking place in Waterville. As in Waterville, Maine. As in CENTRAL MAINE. As in...... try taking a drive down main street this time of year, and enjoy the multitude of deer carcasses, tied down to car roofs, freshly killed. Listen to the honks of approval from passing motorists. Maybe youll even see some yokel, holding up his hand with a thumb down, index finger up, middle and ring fingers down, pinky up......nodding his head back and forth in a " FUCKIN" RIGHT!!!" motion.
" KILL THAT BITCH! YOU FUCKIN' TAGGED IT, SON!!!"
sigh
Ya. THATS the Waterville Maine, that Im talking about. Now youre dieing to visit, arent you? Well, call The Hampton Inn early, stupids!!! Once this gets out, the shits gonna be BOOKED! And make sure you stop at a restaurant called Governor's. If you like the taste of rubber ass jizz infected with AIDS and bone crushing depression...then Governor's is the place for you.
You can see why Im gonna love this show. I mean...I love a GOOD drag show...but Im gonna love it just a little bit more, if its a total, chaotic train wreck. Did I mention that this is all going down, in WATERVILLE MAINE?
No...we need to stop again.
When I say Waterville, Maine.....what Im talking about is that there is a Walmart there. Okay?But...this......this is some crazy shit, this particular one. For anyone who gets lippy with me about moving to a place like Atlanta, Georgia. Please visit:
The Waterville Maine Walmart store. 80 Waterville Commons Dr -
Ive seen some things in there. Mostly retarded. Or in-bred. Or lesbian. Or a combo. Oh! and for sure.... some fetal alcohol. Lots of that. All united by dirty fingernails, peanut butter stained t-shirts, and the fact that you can smell their assholes from 50 paces.
Im telling you right now.....
Hampton Inn 207 873 0400. Call early!
When Lisa first told me about this show.....I mean....yes. She was giving me all the information. She listed the day, and the time...oh my! She was just as informative as she could be! But....beneath her words..... lay a sinister undertone. " Oh, wont it be so much fun!", was what she SAID. What she MEANT was....." Aw, God. Ryan......its gonna be a shit storm, and if you dont come, youre missing, and missing BIG!" What am I gonna do? say NO?
To really add to the already DELICIOUS concoction, is the fact that her friends Ann and John are coming. Ann and John are WONDERFUL people. Ann works with Lisa, and when I call her at work....Ann INSISTS on telling me what color panties she is wearing. Ill be all..." Oh, hi Ann. Such a treat to speak with you this fine afternoon".
" They're fucking purple, Ryan. PURPLE!!! And they are hugging my cha cha right now!!!!. You like that? Ive got a finger in, as we speak!" She is always whisper-y and grumble-y when she says this. Its inappropriate is what it is.
Sick, and inappropriate!
Ann is married to a hot silver fox, who has "hurt me daddy"....written all over him. I went to their house once, and anytime Ann left the room, John would punch me in the asshole, and then run his tongue over my eye lids. Dont act that isnt how you and your spouse flirted, when you were getting to know each other.
I kid. These guys are salt of the earth. They are awesome. And just so you know...I WASNT kidding about John being a silver daddy. Hi John. I know youre reading this......know how I know....???
Because Im in.....here. ( Im pointing to my brain.)
( which is supposed to be YOUR brain...since Im talking about YOU) Meh, thatt one needs some work.
John is a straight who is cool with the gays. Upon my first meeting him at his house, he proudly displayed his arrangement of a twinky with 2 cupcakes at the bottom. He glided his hand across the x rated confection. I looked to his beaming face.
" Huh?......Huh?" is what it said. I was in love immediately.
While John is cool, he is experiencing some reservation about attending such an event. He is pretty 50/50 on whether he will go or not.
Thats what vodka is for!!!
We will go to dinner first. " Oh, John......listen to me", is what Ill say. " You go in, you ll hang out for 20 minutes. Not your thing? You can go" Ill bat my eyelashes, and hold up my hands in a " no pressure", stance.
Oh! Look!!! Who ordered that 4th Long Island Tea for you? Weird!!!!
In closing, I dont mean to shit on Waterville Maine. Its where I grew up, and look how awesome I turned out.
Really, with the face your making?
Im sure the show is more than likely going to be great. Ann and John will come ,and he'll have the time of his life. When I keep trying to explain to him that an anus is just tighter than a vagina....its just fact. Information that Im bestowing. Geesh! Its called..." broadening people's horizons."
The fact that Lisa keeps asking me if it would be as tight after a good rape session....inappropriate.
But not surprising.
