I would hate to think, that anything I ever said to someone.......caused them to commit suicide. Thats a burden I dont think I would be able to handle.
Right after September 11th.... a good friend of mine's father walked into a lake, and drowned himself. He had been battling depression, and had lost a ton of money in the market...post attack. I saw my friend after I had heard the news, and I didnt know that a person could look that horrible, and NOT just have gone through intense chemo.
Over the past few months, Ive seen all of the coverage of people killing themselves and it really effects me.
Because what a lot of people dont know.....is that I tried to kill myself. I didnt succeed, and I saw first hand, the destruction that I wouldve caused.
My life has been hard. Thats not a complaint, just a fact. I was so decimated and broken on a daily basis, that I had to laugh to survive. Man...I could laugh and tap dance so well, NOBODY couldve possibly known that all I wanted to do was jump off a bridge, and be done with all of the rocks that life hurled at my face. I had to keep it up the song and dance, because I knew that big black hole grew bigger everyday. The one I wanted to jump into, and never return.
So laugh.........dance......IM FINE! Really! ........laugh.....dance.......NO! IM OKAY!.... Nothing bothers me!!!!....laugh....dance..laugh.dance.laughdancelaughdance......
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Then one day I just didnt feel like it anymore. And one day I truly believed that I was awful, and bad, and I believed it like Id never believed anything before. Everyone was right. And I put on a dress shirt. I put on dress slacks. I found my nicest shoes, turned off the tv, and powered off my phone. Then I took bottles and bottles of drugs, and drank bottles and bottles of vodka...
and you know what? When I picked up the pictures of my family and friends, and laid them on top of me so I wouldnt be alone when I died....
I REALLY believed, that those very people would be happy to hear that I was gone....so they wouldnt have to deal with someone horrible like me, anymore.
On that day, I gave in to all the horrible words that people said to me, through out my life.
And no one found me for 24 hours.
I was barely alive.
And then the doctors said I wouldnt make it through the night.
And when they finally said I would live......they said I would have severe brain damage, when I woke up.
( that last detail is still up for debate.)
So......
When I post a picture of my life.
When I talk freely about who I am, and what I do....and dont apologize for it.....
Its because I earned it.
I deserve it. All of us do.
These kids who are killing themselves.... shouldn't have to die, because all they want is to feel free.
Next time you say a word, or type a sentence....you should think. REALLY REALLY REALLY think about the fact that you may read in the paper.... that the very person you talked to the week before in such a cruel way.........slit their wrists.
They'll be gone. And you'll be here. And their burden will be yours for the rest of your life, and the big black hole that they ran from, will chase you down to the end. And Im here to tell you right now.....that big black hole doesnt feel good.
We need to be more compassionate. People are dieing. I was damned near one of them.
Im too cute to die young.
Breath taking, really.........
