Im about to lay out some of my latest material on you....and I just need to warn you.
Its hideously offensive.
Not offensive in the way that I like to walk into a dinner party, and go around the room to ask everyone how they feel about the word nigger, as long as youre using it on your grandmother....
Not offensive in the way I like to walk up to a urinal at an Alabama concert, and whisper under my breath things like......" im a toilet mouth slut", or " hey...fabulous balls."
Not even offensive in the way that Ill see a person in a wheel chair and laugh my ass off for 45 minutes.
Nope, this is truly horrible.....so.........just saying.......
If you've suffered emotional pain from a miscarriage or abortion...
do NOT proceed.
Okay. Are they gone? Are the cool people still here?
tee hee hee.....lets go.
So, we were in New Orleans over the weekend, and after a night of imbibing of the grape...I felt like poop butt. I texted my friend Lisa in the morning, and simply said.....' I feel miscarriage-y" She immediately called me, and let me know that she is willing to ignore a fag up to a point, but the word " miscarriage-y", deserved a phone call. Little did I know that that one text message, would inspire an entire afternoon of abortion and miscarriage material.
*** I want to design a line of greeting cards. One card, depicts fluffy white clouds. Its a heavenly scene, replete with a soft blue sky, and buttery rays of sunlight, filtering through the cotton-esque clouds. In the center will be a large wire coat hanger, with a cherub faced baby perched on the side. His little angel wings gently float out to the sides, and a small halo hovers around his smooth, bald head. He is staring up to the awaiting pearly gates, and he is holding a small harp. On the inside...it simply says....
" Congrat-abortions."
The other card is a water color scenerio. Spring time trees, just beginning to bloom their young buds. A meadow, dancing with the vibrant colors of June's flowers. A trickling stream, grazing lambs......butterflys. The card opens to reveal...
" This was going to be a sympathy card for your miscarriage....but I heard that the father was black. So I guess..... congratulations!!!"
*** I also really feel like there should be a drag queen named Missy Carriage. She would kind of barely be able to maneuver...and come out of from side stage.... in a slow, labored way. She would mostly be bald, but with just a few little fine strands of hair coming down, and she would have a featureless face except for bright red, glamorous lips. She would be covered in blood like Sissy Spacek from Carrie, she'd be holding a huge dirty martini, and a long fleshly pink chord would be coming out of the bottom of her dress. The song she lip syncs to?
" I will survive".
*** I like to use my friend Lisa in a lot of scenerios...mostly because she is a whore and has had a ton of abortions and miscarriages.
#1.
" Lisa, have you ever gone to the toilet, pulled out your tampon...saw a little shrimp attached to it, and yelled out.....IM GONNA NAME YOU SCAMPI!!!!"
#2.
One time a bunch of friends and I were at dinner with Lisa. She excused herself from the table, went to the restroom, and came back 20 minutes later. Everyone said..."gosh Lisa, what took you so long?
She grabbed her fork, pounded it against the table and yelled......" Urgh!!! I just had a miscarriage and I feel ten pounds lighter! WHO WANTS DESSERT?!?!"
#3.
One time Russ and I were watching this show about strange sexual fetishes. One of shows was about people who were in three way relationships. One was about a 75 year old woman named Hattie who only dates guys under 30. One was about women who had intense orgasms while in child birth. So....of course....
I picture my friend Lisa, laying down on the gurney. Her legs are up, and the doctor is sucking out her unborn child. She begins to writhe and moan, licking her glossy lips and tweaking her nipples......theres just something about getting an abortion that gets her off. She peaks all over the place, and when she is done......she looks through her legs and says...." is your name Doctor Goldenstein......or Doctor Casanova!
Meow!"
Thats when he looks up at her through her legs, and gives her a mischievous grin, and bloody thumbs up.
#4.
"Lisa....do you want a cocktail"
" Well I really should'nt.....but....wait one second".
( She pelvic thrusts, and kweefs)
" Shit, that one was a boy. "
#5.
Lisa...after your next abortion, I want you to put your lips right up to John's ears as he is about to insert it in you, and say..." treat my vagina like the cemetery that it is. " Wouldnt that be hot?
Okay everyone...well.....Im off to Hell. Kisses.
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