When I was 4 years old, you looked at me one day, and said..." Youll never grow up to be anything. Youll always be scared of everything". You sneered, and looked at me with complete disgust.
That was an emotional baseball bat to the head. Ive never recovered. I will remember that one sentence, for all of my life. I bet you wouldn't even remember saying it to me. Im sure I was crying about something, and you were most likely annoyed. You were probably drunk. Four year olds cry, and four year olds do get scared. Sadly, four year olds also carry a very primitive need to be loved, especially by parents. Four year olds believe it when they hear a parent say...' I see you for what you are, and its nothing..."
I was four, and if thats what you say...it is what I am.
My road ahead was destined to be hard. You made sure you lopped off my legs and arms, and then sent me into battle. Deep down, I think that you may have chuckled a little.
I saw you hurt animals. I saw you hit a mentally disabled man in the head with a shovel. I saw you tell my your mother, my grandmother, that she was an idiot, and was a waste of life. I was four, and I loved her. I felt like I loved her, because both her and I were the same. Stupid, and bad, and would never be anything in life.
As i get older....I see you in my face. I hear you when I laugh. It scares me to death, because I dont want you in my mirror. I dont want you in my voice. I dont want to be you.
But guess what dad? Ive done things. Amazing things. Ive been to the top of the Eiffel tower. Ive swam with dolphins. Ive walked red carpets, eaten dinner in Rome, partied in New Orleans, and stood on stage at the Greek Theater in LA in front of 5000 people . I love animals. I sing songs and make up dances when Im around kids. Ive had a best friend for over twenty years. Im kind to my mother. Ive made a million mistakes, and Im not afraid to talk about them. Ive done a million things right. I didnt even recognize those things, because of what you had said to me, so long ago.
IVE DONE A MILLION WONDERFUL THINGS.
You'll never know, because you are no longer alive. I didnt know what do feel when you passed away. I wanted to see you before you left, but you became even more cruel, in your final days. I mourned for the father that I wanted. I was sad that you didnt love me, because you didnt even know how to.
A month after you died, I felt you in my living room. It was 10 at night, and I was on my couch eating popcorn, and watching tv. You were there, and then gone...in ten seconds. In those ten seconds I felt your peace, and I felt you mourning the loss of a lifetime wasted in pain and anger and sadness. Yours, and mine. You wordlessly said what you needed to say, and then you were gone. It was the first and only time I had felt like I had a father.
I will always remember what you said to me, when I was young. But, I will also remember your visit, that April night. I will see you in my reflection, and I will hear you in my laugh.
I will also do all the things that you said Id never do.
Its who I am.
And what you never were.
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