OH NO YOU DIDN'T, GIRLFRIEND.

I have a list of negative attributes a mile long. Ill be the first to list my flaws, because believe me.....there are many.

When I meet somebody for the first time, among the things that I am NOT interested in, is how much money you make, what kind of car you drive, who you know, and the type of jeans you are wearing. About the furthest thing from my mind, is labels. 3/4 of my closet is H&M, and the rest is Gap sale rack. I still have a flannel shirt that I bought in 1991, and one time, when somebody asked me where I got my sneakers, I had to be truthful and say...' I found them in the garbage." All I care about when I meet you is...

#1. Can you make me laugh

#2. Can you laugh at yourself?

#3. Do you wax your asshole?

And not necessarily in that order.

A few nights back, Russ and I were out, and a couple of sisters sidled up next to us. By "sisters", I mean black chicks, and if you know me, then you know I live by the credo that black women are better than everybody. Dont act like you dont agree. I love a mocha mama, and before a word comes out of your mouth....when I see a sweet weave, acrylic nails, and an out to there apple bottom..I already love you. The rest is just icing on the cake. Ive got the jungle fever...Ive got it bad...and I will make no apologies.

(quick side note.) I also turn into a super creepy gay, when Im around my ladies. I get the side to side head motion. I hold up my finger, which can only mean, " oh, no way girlfriend.". And I do. I say " girlfriend". I hoot and holler, and testify, and carry on. Its disgusting, and I make everyone SUPER uncomfortable. Luckily....Im used to it, as thats an emotion that I tend to bring up in people, again and again.

You can imagine my dismay when one of them in particular..... turned out to be dick-ish. Immediately she launched into how fabulous her life is. She paraded her new Prada sunglasses, whatever brand her $1200.00 purse was, and then proceeded to spill open her make up bag, where no item retailed for less than $75.00. In those situations.....I do the complete opposite. I showed her my sunglasses that I bought on a street cart in Tijuana, for $2.00, and my Skittles flavored lip balm from CVS. I resisted the urge to bend over and show her my fresh wax job, but something tells me that I had one upped her in that department.

A smooth anus, really trumps all...in the game of life.