Sigh...those were the days. Hot men, dancing until 6 am, sexual encounters in bathroom stalls. The very things that our great country was built upon. Its called "morals"...why dont you google it?
I had a good 3 1/2 year stretch where I was single, and ready to mingle. I went through a period where Id go out with a guy, based only on his gorgeous face and underwear model body. His HIDEOUS personality made up of attitude and the Devil's tears, is easy to overlook, when Im looking at a v shaped back and rock hard ass. Its a recipe for disaster everytime...but....Im a sucker for a pretty face. Arent we all. Here is a choice tale, from this period in my life. If it wasnt so ludicrous, it would be pretty upsetting. Eh....I can laugh at myself. I just DONT think its all that funny that I paid for EVERY meal....especially in self respect.
LANCE:
So, I met Lance on the rooftop of a beautiful bar, overlooking the San Diego skyline. It was a warm, summery sunset in early July. He was a bit younger than I was..maybe 25 or 26. He was beautiful, with a great body, and for the 5 or 10 minutes that we chatted..he seemed very sweet, and friendly. I gave him my card, and said to give me a call.
A few days later, he called me ,and we arranged to meet for drinks and dinner, at a wine bar that I frequented. I arrived, and sat at the bar. I knew the bartender very well...so I ordered up a chardonnay, and chatted him up while I waited for Lance to arrive.
He showed about 5 minutes later, and sat down next to me. I think I may have been SUPER drunk when Lance and I had first met. I remembered him being a sweet, funny, easy going guy. The minute he sat down, he started in. It wasnt the full on complaining about his day, and everything that sucked about it. It was the manner in which he did it. He was eye rolls. He was lip snears. He was everything I DETEST in a gay guy.
A Cunt bitch.
Youve seen them. Gossipy, black hearted, snide, mean to the bone, Persian cats. They are severely damaged, sad people...and while I wish them a journey in their lives to rectify their AWFUL characteristics....I have zero patience for them.
And im on a date with one. Shit.......shit........SSSSSHHHHIIIITTTTT!!!!!
Sigh. I sucked it up, listened..and put on the FAKEST smile youve ever laid your eyes on. I was interested, empathetic, and checking the hands on my watch every 30 seconds, praying that a gunman would show up to the restaurant.
I force fed him wine, hoping that he would chill the fuck out. I myself ,was double fisting $15.00 glasses of wine, in hopes that my brain cells would just die already, and make this whole situation a little easier to handle.
I asked him questions about himself. I asked about his family, where he grew up...about his work. He lit up like a Christmas tree, and was more than happy to fill me in on any detail about himself...launching into lengthy stories about people I had never met, or ever will meet.
All the while I just kept thinking to myself that I was never going to go on a date again. I was gonna just rub one out, make some popcorn, and watch Intervention.
His gorgeous lips finally stopped flapping about himself, and he took a long swallow from his third $15.00 glass of wine...that I would eventually pay for. I waited... relishing the lull in conversation. He put down his glass, and looked at me as if to say...' what else would you like to know?". Maybe Im the asshole here, in that....I dont know....I thought maybe he would start asking me a few things. Nope. He just sat there. I looked at his square jaw, perfect skin, and bulging biceps.
How do you spell shallow? R-Y-A-N.
I started in about MYSELF. The basics....where I grew up, my interests....all that jazz. Literally 40 seconds in, I saw his attention go from my face, up to the TV that was showing a Madonna in concert dvd. While I understand the power of Madonna......really? I went on for about 20 more seconds, then stopped mid sentence. It took him another 20 seconds to realize that I had stopped talking, and his eyes fluttered back to me. " Oh, um..sorry. I got distracted there. What were you saying? Something about gardening?"
I immediately ordered another glass of wine.
Here is the thing. Im wonderful to spend time with. If Im not cracking a joke that is UNIVERSALLY hysterical....Im winning you over with a vivid account of some crazy adventure...that anybody with half a personality would adore...white knuckling it with suspense, at every twist and turn, with one of my zany tails of love and life. If that all fails, Ill for sure at least blow you in the restroom. See? Its called " charisma". Google that, too.
While we had been sitting, a group of people had come in, and sat in some tables directly behind us. Id say there were about 10 of them. It was definitely someone's birthday. They had been a little on the noisy side, but nothing intrusive or out of line....and Im an aficionado on intrusive and out of line. Russ will conclude.
Of course Lance begins to bitch and moan, and to shoot them daggers every chance he got. I myself, welcomed the distraction. Eventually, a member of the group came up, and asked if one of us wouldnt mind taking a picture of the party. Lance SNATCHED the camera... ( ha...snatch). He SUPER condescendingly looked at his victim and said.....and Im NOT kidding..." I promise to take a picture of you, if you guys promise to shut the fuck up."
My bartender friend came over, thank god, and asked if we were doing ok. I nervously started a conversation, to take the edge off of the HIDEOUS moment that just passed. As we talked, my friend was pouring a glass of wine for another patron. Lance made a huge sweeping gesture....grabbed his blackberry off of the bar, wiped it on his shirt, and said.....to my friend....who is a bartender at an establishment that I go to ALL THE TIME.....
"so, if youre going to pour wine all over my new blackberry, then I guess that means you'll buy me a new one , right?"
I was done. If abuse means that youll spank my ass and put a cigar out on my back while you call me a worthless pig....then sign me up. This type of abuse is too much. I grabbed the check..( Lance made NO motion to help with payment)..paid it, and got outta there.
He called that night to say how much fun he had had, and hoped that we could get together soon. I never returned that call, and only after realized my massive mistake. Any bitchy homo is ALWAYS named LANCE. Life is a journey, and we must learn our lessons and move on.
Ha!!!....snatch.
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