GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE MOOD SWINGS....

If you know me, then you know that I'm a HUGE star fucker. I love celebrity, and the massive bag of BS that comes with it. Famous people are infinitely better than you and I...and don't act like thats not true.

A few years ago, I met Carson Kressley...the hot blond bitch from Queer Eye, How To Look Good Naked, and True Beauty. Of course we fell in love, because...

#1. He has achieved mid level fame

#2. Im a huge star fucker...( see opening sentence)

#3 Im adorable

#4. I dont care if youve only been on a local commercial. Thats famous enough for me. Ill befriend you... and ride your coat tails, with not one bit of shame.

Ive been lucky enough to have been Carson's red carpet arm candy to a few star studded events in LA. You should know that when I do meet someone famous, my numerous mental disorders kick in...one of them being that I try WAAAAY too hard to be funny and charming, ( like right now) and I just end up looking like a complete and total asshole. You'd think Carson would've learned his lesson, but I also saved him one time from making a huge ass of HIMSELF in front of 80's power voice Taylor Dayne. I feel like we are even. Everybody knows you DONT screw with Taylor Dayne.

RECOGNIZE!

Anyhoo....Not that long back, Carson spent his summer with Cyndi Lauper's True Colors tour. The tour was a 30 city outing, to help benefit the Human Rights Campaign. Carson was the host, and it had 80's acts The B-52's, Joan Jett, Erasure...comedians Rosie O Donnell and Wanda Sykes....and Cyndi as the headliner.

I planned on hanging out backstage when they rolled into San Diego, then going up to the Greek Theater show in LA, the next night. Id heard that Cyndi was tough, and was very moody. Hhhmmm, understatement, much?

I arrived at the venue in San Diego, and the show had already started. Carson had given my friend and I pretty good seats. When we walked in, he was on stage, so we planned on walking past the front of the stage, throwing a little wave so he knew we were there, and then make our way to our seats. We waved, he acknowledged... but as I stood there, in front of 2000 people...trying to find my seat...Carson says..' Oh, hi Ryan. Everybody, thats Ryan. In the black tank top. See him? Right here! Say hi to him. Hes a big bottom."

Heres the thing. Im an attention whore...but...I dont want the attention of 2000 people staring at me, thinking Im some big receiver. I mean, I could FEEL them picturing it. I dont know..maybe...maybe some hulking Italian guy. Maybe hes forcing himself on me. We are in an alley. Its dark. I cant move. He's a cop, and he's using his authority to intimidate me!!!! No officer!... YES!....I mean...NOOOO!!! Im pinned down. Struggling. His glistening muscles flex with every movement, his hairy chest pressed into my back as he...

wait. what was I talking about?

I dont know. Just take my word for it. Cyndi Lauper is a crotchy nut job.