MY IDOL IS JOAN RIVERS....

I went to American Apparel last week, to see if anything rocked me. I found a pair of pants that I liked. For some reason, I thought the tag said $32.00. I tried them on.....and you KNOW my hot ass looked all kinds of righteous. Ill buy em.

I went up to the counter, and the tag ACTUALLY said $79.00. Jesus Ryan.....too much Ecstasy in 2006. I had a ten second battle with myself, and decided to proceed with the purchase. I mean, its like a $13.00 price difference.

( math skills, courtesy of Lawrence High School)

( and too much E, in 2006)

Heres my question. If Im gonna get all "thought process-y" about a pair of American Apparel pants, then why is it, that when Im at the plastic surgeons office on Saturday, and he tries to up sell me a $1200.00 laser resurfacing treatment.....the sentence isnt even out of his mouth yet, and Im screaming......"BOOK IT!!!!!!"

Ill tell you why. Getting old sucks. I have no plans on being a classy, distinguished older gentleman. I plan on being a creepy, face lifty-y, waxy, hot mess.... DESPERATELY trying to hold onto my youth, and its gonna be horrible/fantastic.

Ill for sure live somewhere like Palm Springs. Ill BATHE in some kind of floral, spicy cologne. Ill say its a man's fragrance.... but youll know better. Ill have fat cheekbone implants, and juicy fake lips, with a constant raspberry lip gloss shimmer. Ill have zero wrinkles from the chin up, but from the neck down Ill have the shriveled body of a Velociraptor. My clothes are gauzey, sort of see through....and the constant state of my unbuttoned linen blouse, will showcase my chocolate- y tanned, Nancy Reagen tits. Im rings. Im bracelets. Im fuckin' Chanel sunglasses!!!!....( to hide the black eyes, from my 14th nose job.) Next to me, is my 15 year old Phillipino boyfriend. He'll be happy to fetch you an iced tea....in a jockstrap...right after he paints that second coat of clear polish, on my toenails.

God, I think I just grossed MYSELF out.