DIRTY BIRDY

I love anything, that is hugely inappropriate.

Im almost unshockable.

I love the c-word, I love the n-word. Faggot is the best word in the English language. If you can work all three of them, into a sentence....guess who gets the gold star? And you know that by " star", I mean " butthole"...right? I love racist jokes, homo jokes, and anything involving body parts, body functions, or slamming Jesus Christ. I long for the day, when I meet a total stranger for the first time, and they have the balls to say to me in the first couple sentences..." Oh, youre gay? Wow....you did a great job with the concealer on those AIDS lesions." Of course, you run the risk of getting either a huge laugh, or a huge fist into your eye socket. Thats the world I live in, ladies and gentlemen.

Listen, my comedic flair is " meh", at best. I rely heavily on shock value, mixed with recycled one liners from 90's sitcoms, and Kathy Griffin material. I dont have much to work with. I need to drop a camel toe joke every 40 seconds or so..or I lose the crowd. Let me wow you with some of my best material from the past.

- I was on a first date, and it wasn't going well. His sense oh humor was that of a face cloth. What should I do to turn it all around? RYAN STYLE COMEDY! My date was talking on and on and on and on about the neighborhood he lived in, and all there was to do in it. He asked me if I knew about a particular restaurant in the area. I said, " Oh god yes..I know that place. I killed a hooker in the bathroom, there. She struggled for a second, but she was Asian...and pretty petite...so it wasnt bad. Once her skull hit the edge of the sink, it was pretty much over. Did you know they serve grits there?" To me......thats a knee slapper. The look on his face said otherwise. Whatever. He was a lawyer. What should I have expected? He can go screw........

-I was at a cocktail party...( ha! cock!).....and the crowd had the personality equivalent to the color beige. Or maybe "moth". All l could visualize was an 80's teen movie. This was a snooty, uptight, holier than thou get together, and as far as I was concerned....I represented the renegade party crashers with mohawks, ripped t shirts...and some sweet teal parachute pants. I was ready to inject some REBELLION into this bitch....unfortunately without the syn-th drum track and blazing metal guitar solo.

It makes my crazy when I hear people say things like..." I feel like Im a good person because...", or " Im not one to toot my horn about the things I do, but...."

My hand to God...this is 100% true. My addition to that conversation was.....

" you know...how.....sometimes youre walking down the street in San Francisco, you lock eyes with someone, and then...BOOM!!! Five minutes later youre in an alley, pants around your ankles, and their tongue is inside your butt? Well....he was MEXICAN!!!!

AND IM WHITE!!!!

Its called philanthropy. Maybe you should look into it."

Let me just inform you that...............NOONE thought that was funny. Especially the Mexican to my right.

-I was with my ex, at his family's house. Every last one of them is a republican. I think you know exactly where this is going. For some reason, George W. came up in conversation. They all clucked away....praising him for this, and praising him for that. Whats the line I use to draw them closer to me? What is it I a say, to form a lasting emotional bond that will ensure years of warmth and enriching closeness with these people?

" I like republicans, because they have those tiny brains like 5 year olds. You can make them say swear words in public!"

To me? FUCKING HYSTERICAL!!!! To them?.....one more reason to hate homos. Whatever. His dad used the word nigger at one point during that visit....and not for comedic effect.

If he just wouldve combined cunt and faggot....I still would be with that boyfriend, today. Just for that reason.