EBONY...AND IV-O-RY.....

There are many things I love in this world.

#1. Swedish Fish candy

#2. Dove milk chocolate min's

#3. Taylor Lautner

#4. Chardonnay

#5. Racial tension, ending in physical violence.

I especially like it, when the black person is the victor. When its a black female.....I lose my shit. Its no secret that I prefer a sister to almost anyone. I have about zero patience for cracker ass honkeys. White people dont serve it up the way I like. Just go to a concert. Go to a Sheryl Crow show, and watch the whites politely clap, and every now again turn to eachother and say things like...' wow, that number sure was pleasant to listen to. Later, you may enter my sphincter with your pinky, for it is super tight"

God. I can practically HEAR your two inch penis, cracker!

Now go to Missy Elliott gig, and watch the shenanigans. Im talking about hootin', hollerin', hands in the air, pussy poppin, glimmering black skin all up in that bi-yatch from the dance shakes, gyrations, and from droppin' it like it was hot.

Um, .....BECAUSE IT IS!!!

That's for me. Im all set with you pale faced, Sheryl Crow concert going, vanilla mofo's. Dove chocolate, isnt the only type of chocolate Im into. You dig?

Below is a clip, that illustrates the type of racial violence thats fun for the whole family. Its black on Asian.....guess who wins. Listen, as long as that strong black sister is keeping one less Asian off the road with her mighty, fisty, beat down..Im all for it.

Do you get that joke?

Asians are bad drivers.

Forget it. Its not funny if I need to explain it. Watch the fur fly, below....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1rm4SazjKsQ

THE THREE PERFECT INGREDIENTS....

HOW ATLANTA IS SUPERIOR TO BOSTON:

By Ryan Scott.

#1. People Just Walk Up To You, and Offer You Drugs.

Um, its called " generosity." Jesus talked about it. When is the last time you offered up your stash to a total stranger? Ya, that's what I thought, you selfish pig. We were at a club in Atlanta. We had gone beyond drinking. At that point...we were DRANK-ing. Someone struck up a conversation with us, and within a couple of minutes said, " hey, my buddy is here and he sells drugs. You guys want some Ecstasy"? First of all.....yes. Yes I do. Second.......are you an angel from heaven in disguise? A recreational drug pushing, collard green eating angel, with a swampy southern accent?

PRAISE HIM!!!!

In Boston, people wont smile at you....forget an offering of illegal substances. Heres my theory. Drugs make everything better, especially when you get them unexpectedly. Its like winning the lottery. A lottery that makes you grind your teeth, and tongue kiss ugly people. You know when I say "ugly people"....I mean Haitians, right?

#2. They Know WHAT TIME IT IS!

How many times have you walked into a strip club, and been asked if you'd like to jump up on stage and make some money? Ya...thats what I thought. Ive been asked twice. I dont think that it means that Im any more attractive than any of you. I think it means I look whore-ish, and my moist, ultra inviting mouth says.... without saying...." you can rent this, for $20.00 a table dance, or $200.00 for 15 minutes in the champagne room. Champagne is French for " money paid for sexual services."

I also think it means I have a massive penis.

Shut up. You dont know.

You can only imagine how flattered I was, to be asked. I considered it for a hot second, but declined. If Im gonna take my clothes off for money, it will be at a FEMALE strip club. I want to rock my sweet tuck.... with full on waxed landing strip, electric blue glue on eyelashes, and I want to hold a black baby with a ciggy hanging out of my mouth, while doing it. Dont act like you wouldn't pay big bucks to see that.

Russ and I also found out about another club down there called The Clairemont. Its in the lobby, of an old, abandoned hotel.

That was all I needed to hear. I was in love, and ordered Russ to immediately Google that shit.

We found out that there was a stripper there, named Goldie. She is 65, does full on bent over beaver shots, and recently had been in a car accident, and continues to dance with a broken arm, and broken leg.

I went into convulsions. I loved The Clairemont...I loved Goldie..and my entire existence up to this point has been a huge farce. We also found out that they employ dancers who are pregnant, and who have mild mental retardation. If I found a dancer who was both pregnancy AND retardancy...I would immediately book a cruise, lure Russ onto the deck after a romantic dinner, hurl him off the side, run back to the Clairemont, and marry that amazing temptress. Sadly, we never made it there. Our time was too limited. We will return, and until then...I will dream of The Clairemont....of Goldie.....and my future wife. I hope she goes by the name...."Pineapple".

#3. Drag!!!!!

You haven't seen a hot drag bitch, until you've been down in the dirty dirty. Those trannies dont play!

I LOVE ME SOME DRAG!!!!!! I do. I fucking love it. If you dont love drag queens, then you're a colostomy bag. They had a drag show down there, and oh my god. I couldnt take it. I was ripping my eyebrows off. Each one that came on, got me more worked up. Finally....they had these three take the stage. I think they were doing a live recording of Patti LaBelle, or Aretha Franklin. There was a main drag diva, and her two back ups. As the song went on, those girls were flashing panties, laying on the ground, climbing up a stair case and sliding down the banister, jumping on the bar and ripping off wigs.

I couldnt.

I couldnt take it.

I started punching the person closest to me, right in the face.

" ITS TOO GOOD!!!! I CANT TAKE IT!!!!"

I was laughing, crying, and scratching my face off. Who just got worked over? I think you're looking at him. The one with no skin left on his face. And he wants 3 more hours of it!

Oh, Hotlanta. I know that you have so much more to offer besides drugs, strippers, and drag queens.....but thats all I care about, in life. If you can supply those things, then you have my vote.

Oh......And the grits aint bad, either.

THE WIZ

I have a friend.....

Shocking. I know....

You know how I like to claim to be unshockable? Well, dear reader...this hot bitch has done it many times. She is amazing in many ways, but in the ways that she has been able to drop me to my knees in sheer " gross out-ness"...she is like no other. Let us bow our heads, and give honor to the queen.

IM GONNA TELL YOU A STORY, NOW!!!!

Settle in, cause this is a good one.

One of the things I love most about her, is that she pisses VERY EASILY, when laughing. As in, the upper corners of her mouth just start to turn up, in a grin like fashion...and BOOM!!!!

A puddle in her panties.

Its just so fucking good! The more she fights it, the stronger the stream. Of course, Im in hysterics on the ground. My face is the color of a tomato, and Im beating my fist against the ground. She is screaming at me to stop, all the while clutching her pussy, dancing in a circle, as a dark stain forms on her jeans. This goes on for fifteen minutes until Im completely exhausted......and the room smells like a urinal. Which fortunately, is my favorite scent.

We were in a truck. Somebody was driving....I was in the middle....and Miss Piss was on my right. She kept fiddling with her cleaving, saying that There was a zit in the middle. Press, press, press went Miss Piss..... aching to relieve the pressure of the blemish that lived in her boob crack. We all kept talking, not paying all that much attention to the surgery, going on to the extreme right. Well, ......we weren't paying attention until a massive stream of mayonnaise like puss, smashed against the dashboard. The splat was audible, and it really took a good ten seconds, for everything to register. In silence, the driver and I turned to Miss Piss in unison. The shock was too great. As we turned...all I saw was her face, scrunched into a ball of silent, exploding laughter. There was not a single sound....only the pressure of 1000 galaxies, coming through her neck vains. I started to say, " are you fucking kidding me?", but she cut me off.

"DONT! DONT!!! Im gonna piss!!!!!!"

Her hand was in between her legs, and all I saw was a watery dam of yellow urine, rising from the V where her hand tried to contain the liquid. At this point, she was screaming with laughter......pointing to the pearly white puss, oozing down the dashboard, and futilely clutching her pissing vagina. We kept trying to react. I was so caught between shock, horror, total joy, and repulsion, I was left paralyzed. I would go to open my mouth, but I was cut off each time by Miss Piss screaming..." DONT!!!". She would look at our faces, and screech with such forceful laughter...that more piss came out...filling the cloth seats of the vehicle. The owner of the truck, who was driving, was laughing through anger...' are you fucking kidding?!?!?!? MY SEATS!!!! Miss Piss, just kept putting her hand up, in a ' stop in the name of love", motion...while a whole new round of piss laughs ensued.

The other thing about Miss Piss, is that she loves to walk around totally naked. We were at her house one day, and she was getting ready to take a shower. She was naked....taking care of this and that, while we were in her kitchen. She was on her way to jump in the shower, and I said...' Im gonna make a quick call while you're in the shower". As I turned to reach for the phone, I felt a thud against the side of head. I turned, and looked on the ground to see what was clearly just thrown at me.

Could it be?

Am I REALLY looking at a dirty tampon, right now?

I dont think you people understand what Im talking about, when I say..."dirty". Im talking about there was not a single speck of white, on this tampon. It was so soaked, it was eggplant colored. Clearly she had had this same tampon in, since she was 12. My head was fuzzy with shock. I looked up into the doorway. There she stood, naked. Her head was thrown back, facing the ceiling. Her entire body convulsed in silent fits, while her hand held onto her deceitful vagina, as in rained oceans of yellow piss, through her fingers, onto the floor. My naked friend just pulled out her used tampon, threw it at me, and is now pissing all over the place.

To get her back, the very next week she fell asleep on her couch, with her mouth open. I went into the bathroom, found a pair of scissors, and cut off a chunk of my pubic hair. I crept back, and lightly sprinkled it, into her mouth. She coughed herself awake, as I was curled into fetus position on the floor, holding myself and cackling. Then she totally kicked my ass.

Later that day, she thought it would be funny to put her finger in herself, then wipe it on my mouth.

Oh, its FUCKING ON!!!!

A few days later, she was in the shower. I walked in and told her I had to poop. She protested, but what was she going to do? We chatted for a few minutes while she lathered, and I made boom boom. Thats when she launched into a stirring acapella version of The Star Spangled Banner. The thoughts of her twat on my lips, suddenly crept into my mind. It was my turn to be vindicated! I wiped myself, and decided to toss it over the shower curtain. She sang on, I tossed the shitty toilet paper, and tried with all my might to hold the laughter in.

I waited....

nothing.

She kept singing.

I wiped again.....and threw it over the curtain.

At this point, Im on the toilet.....having a full on nervous breakdown. I just kept hearing her voice echo against the tiles in the bathroom.

" And the rocket's red glare...the bombs bursting in air.....gave proof ....."

There it was. The break in the song. I buried my face into my lap, as the sweet, agonizing seconds went by.

" Ryan......you fucking pig".

I went into full on psychotic laughter, as she pulled the shower curtain open, holding sopping wet, brown toilet paper.

Later, I asked her why I took so long for her to notice. She said she was rinsing conditioner out of her hair, and didnt see the the toilet paper fly over...both times. It was only when she felt something against her ankle, that she bent down and picked it up. That was when she stopped singing...because it took her a good 7 seconds to figure out what it was.

That just sent me into a whole new round hysterics.

Much like you are, right now.

SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.....

We all have one in our lives. Now, you can vent all your frustrations by saying right to thier faces...." youre such a diva!" They'll chuckle, because they'll think....

" Damn right, Im a diva!!! I say what I feel, I get what I want, I express my opinions....and I dont care what ANYONE thinks...."

.....but we'll all know the truth.

watch below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GH8tDxWrx8w

DIRTY BIRDY

I love anything, that is hugely inappropriate.

Im almost unshockable.

I love the c-word, I love the n-word. Faggot is the best word in the English language. If you can work all three of them, into a sentence....guess who gets the gold star? And you know that by " star", I mean " butthole"...right? I love racist jokes, homo jokes, and anything involving body parts, body functions, or slamming Jesus Christ. I long for the day, when I meet a total stranger for the first time, and they have the balls to say to me in the first couple sentences..." Oh, youre gay? Wow....you did a great job with the concealer on those AIDS lesions." Of course, you run the risk of getting either a huge laugh, or a huge fist into your eye socket. Thats the world I live in, ladies and gentlemen.

Listen, my comedic flair is " meh", at best. I rely heavily on shock value, mixed with recycled one liners from 90's sitcoms, and Kathy Griffin material. I dont have much to work with. I need to drop a camel toe joke every 40 seconds or so..or I lose the crowd. Let me wow you with some of my best material from the past.

- I was on a first date, and it wasn't going well. His sense oh humor was that of a face cloth. What should I do to turn it all around? RYAN STYLE COMEDY! My date was talking on and on and on and on about the neighborhood he lived in, and all there was to do in it. He asked me if I knew about a particular restaurant in the area. I said, " Oh god yes..I know that place. I killed a hooker in the bathroom, there. She struggled for a second, but she was Asian...and pretty petite...so it wasnt bad. Once her skull hit the edge of the sink, it was pretty much over. Did you know they serve grits there?" To me......thats a knee slapper. The look on his face said otherwise. Whatever. He was a lawyer. What should I have expected? He can go screw........

-I was at a cocktail party...( ha! cock!).....and the crowd had the personality equivalent to the color beige. Or maybe "moth". All l could visualize was an 80's teen movie. This was a snooty, uptight, holier than thou get together, and as far as I was concerned....I represented the renegade party crashers with mohawks, ripped t shirts...and some sweet teal parachute pants. I was ready to inject some REBELLION into this bitch....unfortunately without the syn-th drum track and blazing metal guitar solo.

It makes my crazy when I hear people say things like..." I feel like Im a good person because...", or " Im not one to toot my horn about the things I do, but...."

My hand to God...this is 100% true. My addition to that conversation was.....

" you know...how.....sometimes youre walking down the street in San Francisco, you lock eyes with someone, and then...BOOM!!! Five minutes later youre in an alley, pants around your ankles, and their tongue is inside your butt? Well....he was MEXICAN!!!!

AND IM WHITE!!!!

Its called philanthropy. Maybe you should look into it."

Let me just inform you that...............NOONE thought that was funny. Especially the Mexican to my right.

-I was with my ex, at his family's house. Every last one of them is a republican. I think you know exactly where this is going. For some reason, George W. came up in conversation. They all clucked away....praising him for this, and praising him for that. Whats the line I use to draw them closer to me? What is it I a say, to form a lasting emotional bond that will ensure years of warmth and enriching closeness with these people?

" I like republicans, because they have those tiny brains like 5 year olds. You can make them say swear words in public!"

To me? FUCKING HYSTERICAL!!!! To them?.....one more reason to hate homos. Whatever. His dad used the word nigger at one point during that visit....and not for comedic effect.

If he just wouldve combined cunt and faggot....I still would be with that boyfriend, today. Just for that reason.

HOT CHILD IN THE CITY....

Hey guys. Russ & I are in the frosty, tundra-like city of Atlanta. Just wanted to check in. Its a beautiful city. When you live in places like Boston, you forget that people actually smile, say hello, & dont eternally shove their frowny faces full of Dunkin Donuts coffee and ciggy butts. I mean, Bostonians dont drag our African American residents by the back of our trucks....but they DO make a delicious sweet tea and have AMAZING strip clubs, down in this bitch. It all balances out.

We came home last night smelling like desperate strippers. Im not gonna shower for a week.

Best thing so far....

I was in bed watching crazy church preachers this morning. The only thing I love more than Scariest Police Chases, HGTV, or hard core German porn...... is crazy TV evangelists. The room service guy came in while I was in the bathroom, saw some sweaty black preacher testifyin' and carryin' on, looked at Russ and said......' ah, nice! Youre starting your day off right!"

Meanwhile, there is pamphlet of gay Atlanta, on the desk where he set down the coffee.... with a naked gay pulling his leather panties down over his massive muscle ass. Next to that? A wadded up pile of cash, damp with stripper juice.

Let us pray.....

HOT- LANTA, BITCHES!

If I told you, that I wasnt going to be able to blog for the next four days, would you guys feel like driving off a cliff.....while listening to a hot mash up of Icy Spicy Leoncie and Sean Kerry's Stevie Nicks impersonations?

I dont blame you. My shit is good.

You SHOULD be addicted!!!!

Russ and I are taking off to Atlanta for 4 days. Atlanta is the IDEAL place to go to, in the middle of summer. We will be visiting his new born nephew. If I dont meet Julia Sugarbaker's ghost, or NeNe Leakes from Atlanta Housewives, Im going to punch Russ right in the face, to remind him of what's important.

A sincere thank you, to all of you guys for reading my little piece of gold, here on the net. Im up to almost 500 views in just three days!!!! Now, please send me money.