YOURE GONNA DIE......!!!!!!

A few days ago, I was reading a post on Facebook, and I saw that somebody who was in my class, was killed in a car crash very recently.

Of course, you cant help but feel sad at that kind of news. Since everything is always about me, all the time....I immediately thought of the day that I go to meet that fierce, black as night, soul sista in the sky.

Ive been to a few funerals in my life...not a ton. Its always the same. Lots of crying. VERY solemn. Everybody's head is bowed, and there are soft murmurs. Words of condolences are offered, and a handful of " he will be truly missed. Such a terrible loss".

Uh....Im gonna go on the record here, and just say...

" SCREW THAT NOISE".

Im holding ALL OF YOU to it.....that if for some reason I kick the bucket sometime soon.....my god.....PLEASE do not allow my services to be this kind of buzz kill mess.

Here are my requirements.

#1. Attire.

Ya, so.....I hate wearing black when its WINTER, because the landscape is depressing enough as it is. If my ridiculously hot body is in the beginning phase of decomposing...thats sad enough for everybody involved. NO BLACK!!!!! Slut red, anything see through, assless chaps, or sequins.

All acceptable.

#2. Pre service cocktail hour.

And by " hour"..... I mean " 3 hours". I want all of you to pile into some sweet, decked out party room. Here is where everyone gets nice and sauced. " Oh, youre a recovering alcoholic? Aw, thats sweet. But Im dead, dip shit....so down that Jagermeister shot, and stop flaunting your newly pristine liver. Its called, "bragging", and NOBODY likes it."

At this point in the evening...I dont even want my name mentioned, yet. Ever hear of a little thing called..." build up". Just shove the alcohol into your puss, and lighten the shit up, for one second. Extra points if a girl fight breaks out, or if there is oral sex performed in a bathroom stall. Even more points if its 2 men, and one or both of them are married.

HOTNESS!!!

Also....no food. Just bowls of Vicodins and Ecstasy tabs.

#3. The service.

I dont need all kinds of god talk because...

- - - I dont believe in him/her

- - - - If there IS in fact some kind of magical old man in the sky keeping score.......please. We all know who's name IS NOT on the " get in ", list. Im pretty sure it reads...

-Hitler

-Anne Coulter

- Kate Gosselin

- Ryan Scott

So, in light of that.....I want the shirtless, 19 year old usher boys to hand out a pair of Halloween costume devil horns to each person as they enter, and are escorted to their seats. I also approve of those twirly ribbons that are used in the Olympics. I dont know...when are they used? Some kind of ribbon gymnastics. I approve those...glow sticks.....and maracas.

#4. Officiation.

Ya....so um.....NO PRIESTS! I have some little nephews who are ADORABLE. I dont need that kind of sexual tension at my send off.

Or do I?

Im not sure about that one. Ill get back to you.

No priests, but I WILL take Kathy Griffin, Chelsea Handler, Sarah Silverman, Joan Rivers, or Lisa Lampenelli.

Some of you can go up there and share some shit, but here is an example of what will make me claw my way back up from the scorching depths of Hell, and hurt some people.

" Oh, Ryan.....( dab a tear....sniffle). Ryan....when you walked in a room, it just lit up! Your energy and happiness, was just infectious to all who were near you and....."

Im gonna stop you right here.

Puke, puke, puke. The only thing infectious about me is the Syphilis.

C'mon people!!! None of that. Talk about my love of drag queens! The fact that if Prince is on....Im gonna dance....no matter where where I am! One time I was at a sex club and pestered a tranny for 45 minutes until she showed me her penis to vagina, vagina!!!! Jesus..Im giving you a lifetime of material to work with!

Stop being so queer, and have a good time!!!

#5. The after party dance party.

Im just gonna say four things......

-Disco and 80's

- rampant drug use ( prescription and street)

- a start time of 9pm, and a finish time of 8am

-more oral sex in the bathroom.

Ok. Im leaving it in your hands. DO NOT disappoint.