A TALE OF A GRAVY LADEL.....

I totally stole this, But I think its funny. You will too......because I GOD DAMNED told you to.

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother
couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of John's sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two men interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you, Mike and I are JUST roommates."
About a week later, Mike came to John and said, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy
ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said,
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm
not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the
fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mike, and I'm not saying
that you 'do not' sleep with Mike. But the fact remains that if he
was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle
by now.
Love, Mom"

SHUT YO' MOUTH!

You know what really grinds my gears?....(Family Guy reference for the cool cats, out there)....

Cell phone etiquette. Or...lack there of.

Gross. Ive officially become a person who says " lack there of". When did I become my 6th grade English teacher? Soon Ill be saying, "Heaven to Betsy!"...or...." by and by."

If Im saying something cool like...

- "Heaven to Betsy, your 14 year old mail order boyfriend from Singapore sure knows how to scrub a bathtub!"...or......

-" Im dating a hot set of Scandinavian porn stars who are bi and bi...."

Then thats fine.

Any other use of those terms from 1948 out of my sweet, warbling lips....and please shoot me in the temple and put a sad ageing queen out of her dark and painful misery.

When did it become okay for us to be trapped in a semi confined space, and for you to pick up your cell phone.....( and you KNOW the ringtone is Nicki Minaj)....and just start in... like youre all curled up all comfy cozy in your leopard print beanbag, eating Fritos, and drawing hearts with an over sized sparkle pen? I understand that Keesha told your best friend that the new guy at your school named DeShawn said to someone during homeroom that he thinks youre cute.....but...GIRL! Right in my face? Unless DeShawn thinks that Im cute....take the shiz down a peg. I dont want to hear it.

Also....YOU, douche businessman. MMMhhmm....YOU! Greying temples. You drink Seven & Seven. Lots of nose hair. I know Tom is calling you with facts and figures, and projections....and ah......you know....other republican office jargon.....but....Im stuck in the seat next to you on this airplane, and you cant wait? You cant wait 10 minutes for the plane to unload...

( HA! " unload")

Listen....youre not the only one who is busy in life. I need to get to my couch so I can sit on it and complain to Russ that Im cold, and also..... where the shit is dinner.?!?!? Then I have famous people to party with, and at SOME POINT.......I have to drink too much in some tranny bar and vomit in a dumpster.

Ok?

So maybe YOURE not the only one. But I can wait 10 minutes.

But NOT if Im on the couch, and NOT if Russ is dragging ass. FOOD!!!!....MY MOUTH!!!!..

NOW!!!!!

My fantasy is to get on the subway, plop myself down in between two unsuspectings.....Ill already have the phone to my ear as if Im mid conversation. Im talking loudly, but since Im on the subway now....and its even more noisy....I have to up the volume. I just took it from 5.5 to a full scale 8.

Lets listen in....

Me:

Ya, bro! I got that check from my yearly bonus....and I was like...WHOA! SCORE! What was that Fred? Oh...cant hear me???

( dials it up to 9)

CHECK! I GOT THE CHECK FROM MY YEAR END BONUS!.......( laughter)....Thats right my man! I got my wife on the next plane to Toledo to see her family, and immediately opened google, and searched hookers....Asian.....Boston.

( more laughter)

Right, Fred?.....Nothing like cheating on your wife with a paid sex worker.

AN ASIAN ONE!

Aw, Fred. You know what Im talkin' 'bout! Anyhow...I ordered up this real filthy slut who would do anything for $300.00. Man, she showed up, and I didnt even bother showering. Those china men dont mind a little stink balls. THEY EAT OCTOPUS HEARTS FOR CHRISTS SAKE!!!

( thats when I look over at the elderly Asian woman across from me, and give a little wave.)

Anyhow Fred my man.....I started to do some stuff, and she got a little lippy 'cause she didnt like it. Thats when the ole back hand came in! I mean...$300.00!!!! Its like... Im not just GIVING this to you....to like....I dont know..."help you out" and get you on a "better road". Earn that scratch, whore. Last time I looked....I didnt see "Salvation Army" tattooed on my ass cheeks. I DID see lots of hair and pimples though, so I guess she DID earn that $300.00, if she had to look at THAT all night!

( laughter, laughter)

You know what Fred? Exactly!!!! The large and inflamed hemroids! I almost forgot!!! ( laughter, laughter). That makes me EXTRA disgusting!

Anyhow, I slapped her off the bed, looked at her laying in a heap on the floor crying, naked....and thought to myself, "man....Im paying some China man $300.00 for what happens between me and the old lady EVERY NIGHT for free!" Why do good guys always finish last, Fred?

( laughter, laughter). You try to do good, and it just blows up in your face every time.

Oh, right now? Im on the subway. Headed over to some guys house Ive been talking to on Craigslist. Never did it with a dude, but he showed me a picture, and all dressed up he looks....well.....he looks an awful lot like one of the chicks here on the subway with me, but she looks more used up and skanky then he does. Kind of like her c-setion scar is the color of an eggplant. You know the botch jobs they used to do in the 70's? Like that. She FOR SURE has one. She was probably cute 5 years ago. Her skins a little grey.

Meh, I still would. Wife doesnt get home for 2 more days.....still plenty of sex to be had without condoms...am I right, Fred?

( laughter, laughter)...Aw....anyhow, buddy..my stop is here. Its not the best part of town, but unfortunately for me...meth dealers dont live out in the burbs. Shit, Im jonesing to tweak! Ill ping you later, boss. Maybe we can hit up a bar later and do some raping. Ill text you!"

Fred?

FRED?!?!?!?

Oh, no problem. I SAID MAYBE WE CAN RAPE SOME GIRLS LATER! .....What was that, Fred? RAID some girls??....NO......RAPE!!! GET THEM DRUNK AND RAPE THEM IN AN ALLEY!!

( laughter, laughter)

Awesome, dawg. Holla at me later. ( click)

A QUESTION....?

Oh...hi, devoted fans!!!!! Im in Atlanta right now.

So, Clay Aiken fans are called Claymates. Beiber fans have Beiber fever. Adam Lambert has his Glam nation, and GaGa has her monsters.

What do I call all of you? You know by " you".....I mean my mother, my best friend...and some wierd guy in Sweden who keeps emailing me.

Give me your thoughts. VALIDATE ME!!!!

Oh, and Christmas is coming. Send me gifts. EVEN YOU, you filthy Jews.

hugs from the dirty south...

Yah...THIS Is A Hot Mess Right Here.....

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

IVE BEEN SAVED!

I was watching "Good Morning America" this morning. Know why? Its morning. And Im in America.

Jesus!!!!! Pry much?

Cant I have one single moment without all of your dissecting eyes, picking me apart? Now I know how Madonna feels. My point is.........Im like Madonna. Im the Madonna of Dorchester, Massachusettes.

But less veiny. And less manly. And without 45 billion dollars.

So, on the show there is some yahoo evangelical preacher named Marcus Lamb, who couldnt keep his scorching penis of god, out of an eager vagina.

#1. You KNOW Marcus " Lamb", is his stage name. I see you Marcus! Or.....is it...." Percy Crumb?" Ya.....its definitely Percy Crumb. Except Percy Crum doesnt get that sweet, sweet bible thumping poon! Marcus Lamb? Oh, he gets it. Dont you worry. He wakes up sore....EVERY MORNING! I guess he is the one who should be watching " Good Morning America." Get it? From all the sex? Do you? Forget it. You dont understand.

#2. He's not in the news because he did something truly holy like build homes for the down trodden. Nope. He is in the news because he likes a little strange. As in.....' a vagina. A VAGINA THAT ISNT THE ONE THAT HE IS MARRIED TOO!!!. He was being blackmailed by one of his sluts to pay up or she would come out and tell the world that.......

he sees nothing wrooooooooong.......

with a little bump and griiiiind.

( how did you like that sweet mind 90's song reference? Youre welcome. )

#3. I LOVE THIS SHIT! Love it love it love it. I love it when these ...

-preaching from the mountain top...

-chicklet teeth...

-Just For Men hair dye in "Jet Black"...

-hootin' and hollarin'...

-sweating like a big fat pig while they dance jigs from the spirit inside them...

-holier than thou dirtbags...

come tumbling down.

Its so tastey, that Im going to do 20 extra minutes of cardio, because something THIS delicious HAS to be love handle inducing.

You know what? F**K YOU Marcus....." Lamb!!!!". PERCY CRUMB!!!! I could care less if you bang every whore at mass on Sunday. Do some crazy German shit. Get a paraplegic involved. Work it out! Just please dont stand up there and preach at my sexy ass about sin, and god's vengeance, and repenting, and the rapture. If youre gonna talk about Rapture.....Im only interested in hearing about the fact that Blondie was the first person to actually rap in a song.

If you hate on gays......you hire 12 year old Taiwanese male prostitutes.

If you preach " HIS" word like a psycho bingo caller......you for sure have 14 baggies of crystal meth in your top drawer, and are a regular at " Desire. An Adult Oasis For The Discerning Gentleman.

We are all sick of your hypocrite asses. Shut your face....put your penis where you want to......and maybe keep the lord out of it. Half of his followers are already koo koo enough as it is.

But on a side note.......selfishly...keep it up. I like some entertainment with my coffee and Good Morning America.

And when I say " Good Morning America"....

You KNOW what Im talkin' 'bout.

PREACH IT!

THINK BEFORE YOU SAY........

I would hate to think, that anything I ever said to someone.......caused them to commit suicide. Thats a burden I dont think I would be able to handle.

Right after September 11th.... a good friend of mine's father walked into a lake, and drowned himself. He had been battling depression, and had lost a ton of money in the market...post attack. I saw my friend after I had heard the news, and I didnt know that a person could look that horrible, and NOT just have gone through intense chemo.

Over the past few months, Ive seen all of the coverage of people killing themselves and it really effects me.

Because what a lot of people dont know.....is that I tried to kill myself. I didnt succeed, and I saw first hand, the destruction that I wouldve caused.

My life has been hard. Thats not a complaint, just a fact. I was so decimated and broken on a daily basis, that I had to laugh to survive. Man...I could laugh and tap dance so well, NOBODY couldve possibly known that all I wanted to do was jump off a bridge, and be done with all of the rocks that life hurled at my face. I had to keep it up the song and dance, because I knew that big black hole grew bigger everyday. The one I wanted to jump into, and never return.

So laugh.........dance......IM FINE! Really! ........laugh.....dance.......NO! IM OKAY!.... Nothing bothers me!!!!....laugh....dance..laugh.dance.laughdancelaughdance......

..........................................................................................................

...........................................................................................................

...........................................................................................................

Then one day I just didnt feel like it anymore. And one day I truly believed that I was awful, and bad, and I believed it like Id never believed anything before. Everyone was right. And I put on a dress shirt. I put on dress slacks. I found my nicest shoes, turned off the tv, and powered off my phone. Then I took bottles and bottles of drugs, and drank bottles and bottles of vodka...

and you know what? When I picked up the pictures of my family and friends, and laid them on top of me so I wouldnt be alone when I died....

I REALLY believed, that those very people would be happy to hear that I was gone....so they wouldnt have to deal with someone horrible like me, anymore.

On that day, I gave in to all the horrible words that people said to me, through out my life.

And no one found me for 24 hours.

I was barely alive.

And then the doctors said I wouldnt make it through the night.

And when they finally said I would live......they said I would have severe brain damage, when I woke up.

( that last detail is still up for debate.)

So......

When I post a picture of my life.

When I talk freely about who I am, and what I do....and dont apologize for it.....

Its because I earned it.

I deserve it. All of us do.

These kids who are killing themselves.... shouldn't have to die, because all they want is to feel free.

Next time you say a word, or type a sentence....you should think. REALLY REALLY REALLY think about the fact that you may read in the paper.... that the very person you talked to the week before in such a cruel way.........slit their wrists.

They'll be gone. And you'll be here. And their burden will be yours for the rest of your life, and the big black hole that they ran from, will chase you down to the end. And Im here to tell you right now.....that big black hole doesnt feel good.

We need to be more compassionate. People are dieing. I was damned near one of them.

Im too cute to die young.

Breath taking, really.........

THE MAINE EVENT

I was talking to my friend Lisa, yesterday. You know what I said to her? First I says.....I says..." Lisa! Stop asking me if I have 3 Negro friends who just got out of prison. Its not MY responsibility to help you carry out your rape fantasy. Post on Craigslist like everyone else! ( you know when I say "everyone", Im talking about my boyfriend, Russ........the MINUTE I go out of town.) Once that was settled, we went on to discuss the recent event that we have on our calender. The event, is a drag show. All 6 of you reading this, have already read my previous blogs...so you know I love a drag show.

And just a side note.

Why the shit arent the 6 of you reading this, passing it along to your friends to read? CHRIST!!!! You all are DESPERATE for me to keep writing new blogs, but you think Im just gonna keep doing it for YOU yahoos?!?!?!? What does RYAN get out of it? You know what he gets? He gets his precious energy level depleted. Thats what. IM NOT YOUR SONG AND DANCE WHORE!

Who am I kidding? Yes, I am.

"Let me loosen up your collar, tell me....DO YOU WANNA SEE ME DO THE SHIMMY AGAIN?"

Back to drag. So...this particular show, is not taking place in a large, glamorous city, where a drag show blends seamlessly into the bustling urban landscape. Its taking place in Waterville. As in Waterville, Maine. As in CENTRAL MAINE. As in...... try taking a drive down main street this time of year, and enjoy the multitude of deer carcasses, tied down to car roofs, freshly killed. Listen to the honks of approval from passing motorists. Maybe youll even see some yokel, holding up his hand with a thumb down, index finger up, middle and ring fingers down, pinky up......nodding his head back and forth in a " FUCKIN" RIGHT!!!" motion.

" KILL THAT BITCH! YOU FUCKIN' TAGGED IT, SON!!!"

sigh

Ya. THATS the Waterville Maine, that Im talking about. Now youre dieing to visit, arent you? Well, call The Hampton Inn early, stupids!!! Once this gets out, the shits gonna be BOOKED! And make sure you stop at a restaurant called Governor's. If you like the taste of rubber ass jizz infected with AIDS and bone crushing depression...then Governor's is the place for you.

You can see why Im gonna love this show. I mean...I love a GOOD drag show...but Im gonna love it just a little bit more, if its a total, chaotic train wreck. Did I mention that this is all going down, in WATERVILLE MAINE?

No...we need to stop again.

When I say Waterville, Maine.....what Im talking about is that there is a Walmart there. Okay?But...this......this is some crazy shit, this particular one. For anyone who gets lippy with me about moving to a place like Atlanta, Georgia. Please visit:

The Waterville Maine Walmart store. 80 Waterville Commons Dr - (207) 873-2730

Ive seen some things in there. Mostly retarded. Or in-bred. Or lesbian. Or a combo. Oh! and for sure.... some fetal alcohol. Lots of that. All united by dirty fingernails, peanut butter stained t-shirts, and the fact that you can smell their assholes from 50 paces.

Im telling you right now.....

Hampton Inn 207 873 0400. Call early!

When Lisa first told me about this show.....I mean....yes. She was giving me all the information. She listed the day, and the time...oh my! She was just as informative as she could be! But....beneath her words..... lay a sinister undertone. " Oh, wont it be so much fun!", was what she SAID. What she MEANT was....." Aw, God. Ryan......its gonna be a shit storm, and if you dont come, youre missing, and missing BIG!" What am I gonna do? say NO?

To really add to the already DELICIOUS concoction, is the fact that her friends Ann and John are coming. Ann and John are WONDERFUL people. Ann works with Lisa, and when I call her at work....Ann INSISTS on telling me what color panties she is wearing. Ill be all..." Oh, hi Ann. Such a treat to speak with you this fine afternoon".

" They're fucking purple, Ryan. PURPLE!!! And they are hugging my cha cha right now!!!!. You like that? Ive got a finger in, as we speak!" She is always whisper-y and grumble-y when she says this. Its inappropriate is what it is.

Sick, and inappropriate!

Ann is married to a hot silver fox, who has "hurt me daddy"....written all over him. I went to their house once, and anytime Ann left the room, John would punch me in the asshole, and then run his tongue over my eye lids. Dont act that isnt how you and your spouse flirted, when you were getting to know each other.

I kid. These guys are salt of the earth. They are awesome. And just so you know...I WASNT kidding about John being a silver daddy. Hi John. I know youre reading this......know how I know....???

Because Im in.....here. ( Im pointing to my brain.)

( which is supposed to be YOUR brain...since Im talking about YOU) Meh, thatt one needs some work.

John is a straight who is cool with the gays. Upon my first meeting him at his house, he proudly displayed his arrangement of a twinky with 2 cupcakes at the bottom. He glided his hand across the x rated confection. I looked to his beaming face.

" Huh?......Huh?" is what it said. I was in love immediately.

While John is cool, he is experiencing some reservation about attending such an event. He is pretty 50/50 on whether he will go or not.

Thats what vodka is for!!!

We will go to dinner first. " Oh, John......listen to me", is what Ill say. " You go in, you ll hang out for 20 minutes. Not your thing? You can go" Ill bat my eyelashes, and hold up my hands in a " no pressure", stance.

Oh! Look!!! Who ordered that 4th Long Island Tea for you? Weird!!!!

In closing, I dont mean to shit on Waterville Maine. Its where I grew up, and look how awesome I turned out.

Really, with the face your making?

Im sure the show is more than likely going to be great. Ann and John will come ,and he'll have the time of his life. When I keep trying to explain to him that an anus is just tighter than a vagina....its just fact. Information that Im bestowing. Geesh! Its called..." broadening people's horizons."

The fact that Lisa keeps asking me if it would be as tight after a good rape session....inappropriate.

But not surprising.