SHUT YO' MOUTH!

You know what really grinds my gears?....(Family Guy reference for the cool cats, out there)....

Cell phone etiquette. Or...lack there of.

Gross. Ive officially become a person who says " lack there of". When did I become my 6th grade English teacher? Soon Ill be saying, "Heaven to Betsy!"...or...." by and by."

If Im saying something cool like...

- "Heaven to Betsy, your 14 year old mail order boyfriend from Singapore sure knows how to scrub a bathtub!"...or......

-" Im dating a hot set of Scandinavian porn stars who are bi and bi...."

Then thats fine.

Any other use of those terms from 1948 out of my sweet, warbling lips....and please shoot me in the temple and put a sad ageing queen out of her dark and painful misery.

When did it become okay for us to be trapped in a semi confined space, and for you to pick up your cell phone.....( and you KNOW the ringtone is Nicki Minaj)....and just start in... like youre all curled up all comfy cozy in your leopard print beanbag, eating Fritos, and drawing hearts with an over sized sparkle pen? I understand that Keesha told your best friend that the new guy at your school named DeShawn said to someone during homeroom that he thinks youre cute.....but...GIRL! Right in my face? Unless DeShawn thinks that Im cute....take the shiz down a peg. I dont want to hear it.

Also....YOU, douche businessman. MMMhhmm....YOU! Greying temples. You drink Seven & Seven. Lots of nose hair. I know Tom is calling you with facts and figures, and projections....and ah......you know....other republican office jargon.....but....Im stuck in the seat next to you on this airplane, and you cant wait? You cant wait 10 minutes for the plane to unload...

( HA! " unload")

Listen....youre not the only one who is busy in life. I need to get to my couch so I can sit on it and complain to Russ that Im cold, and also..... where the shit is dinner.?!?!? Then I have famous people to party with, and at SOME POINT.......I have to drink too much in some tranny bar and vomit in a dumpster.

Ok?

So maybe YOURE not the only one. But I can wait 10 minutes.

But NOT if Im on the couch, and NOT if Russ is dragging ass. FOOD!!!!....MY MOUTH!!!!..

NOW!!!!!

My fantasy is to get on the subway, plop myself down in between two unsuspectings.....Ill already have the phone to my ear as if Im mid conversation. Im talking loudly, but since Im on the subway now....and its even more noisy....I have to up the volume. I just took it from 5.5 to a full scale 8.

Lets listen in....

Me:

Ya, bro! I got that check from my yearly bonus....and I was like...WHOA! SCORE! What was that Fred? Oh...cant hear me???

( dials it up to 9)

CHECK! I GOT THE CHECK FROM MY YEAR END BONUS!.......( laughter)....Thats right my man! I got my wife on the next plane to Toledo to see her family, and immediately opened google, and searched hookers....Asian.....Boston.

( more laughter)

Right, Fred?.....Nothing like cheating on your wife with a paid sex worker.

AN ASIAN ONE!

Aw, Fred. You know what Im talkin' 'bout! Anyhow...I ordered up this real filthy slut who would do anything for $300.00. Man, she showed up, and I didnt even bother showering. Those china men dont mind a little stink balls. THEY EAT OCTOPUS HEARTS FOR CHRISTS SAKE!!!

( thats when I look over at the elderly Asian woman across from me, and give a little wave.)

Anyhow Fred my man.....I started to do some stuff, and she got a little lippy 'cause she didnt like it. Thats when the ole back hand came in! I mean...$300.00!!!! Its like... Im not just GIVING this to you....to like....I dont know..."help you out" and get you on a "better road". Earn that scratch, whore. Last time I looked....I didnt see "Salvation Army" tattooed on my ass cheeks. I DID see lots of hair and pimples though, so I guess she DID earn that $300.00, if she had to look at THAT all night!

( laughter, laughter)

You know what Fred? Exactly!!!! The large and inflamed hemroids! I almost forgot!!! ( laughter, laughter). That makes me EXTRA disgusting!

Anyhow, I slapped her off the bed, looked at her laying in a heap on the floor crying, naked....and thought to myself, "man....Im paying some China man $300.00 for what happens between me and the old lady EVERY NIGHT for free!" Why do good guys always finish last, Fred?

( laughter, laughter). You try to do good, and it just blows up in your face every time.

Oh, right now? Im on the subway. Headed over to some guys house Ive been talking to on Craigslist. Never did it with a dude, but he showed me a picture, and all dressed up he looks....well.....he looks an awful lot like one of the chicks here on the subway with me, but she looks more used up and skanky then he does. Kind of like her c-setion scar is the color of an eggplant. You know the botch jobs they used to do in the 70's? Like that. She FOR SURE has one. She was probably cute 5 years ago. Her skins a little grey.

Meh, I still would. Wife doesnt get home for 2 more days.....still plenty of sex to be had without condoms...am I right, Fred?

( laughter, laughter)...Aw....anyhow, buddy..my stop is here. Its not the best part of town, but unfortunately for me...meth dealers dont live out in the burbs. Shit, Im jonesing to tweak! Ill ping you later, boss. Maybe we can hit up a bar later and do some raping. Ill text you!"

Fred?

FRED?!?!?!?

Oh, no problem. I SAID MAYBE WE CAN RAPE SOME GIRLS LATER! .....What was that, Fred? RAID some girls??....NO......RAPE!!! GET THEM DRUNK AND RAPE THEM IN AN ALLEY!!

( laughter, laughter)

Awesome, dawg. Holla at me later. ( click)