THE BED & BREAKFAST OF DOOM.....

Who would of thought that at the ripe old age of 27, Id still be learning new things about myself?

Um......You know what? You can take that little face youre making right now, and go screw, and go screw big time.

27!!!!

IM 27 GOD DAMN IT!!!!

Fine. Thanks to botox and chemical peels, I have the FOREHEAD of a 27 year old. I have the sense of humor of retarded 13 year old, but the sagging nut sack and greying facial hair of your grand daddy....so lets just say Im 36, and leave it.

CHRIST, cant a glamorous tranny lie about his age for a second, without all of you judgey whores riding him?

HA! Riding him......

Anyhoo. I have learned that I AM NOT a bed and breakfast, kind of guy.

Russ and I just went down to Atlanta for his nephew's christening. If you know me, then you KNOW how much I love sitting in a church. And just a side note......I dont care what religion it is.....I just find religious "rituals", creepy. With the exception of the "drinking wine"part. Im down with that. "Its all good father O' Leary...its 5 oclock somewhere! Fill ' er up! Your gin blossom nose tells me that you understand. And the felony charges that youre facing, tells me that you love a good high school wrestling match."

But in all fairness..... who doesnt?

So, back to the rituals. To me...its all one step away from holding up a snake while speaking in tongues, and slitting a goats throat in front a bon fire. When the priest asked all of us to renounce Satan, all I could think about was......" but isnt he the muscle-y shirtless one, who's WAY more fun? No thanks, sister Christian. Ill take big red with the quarter sized nipples and propensity for gang bangs, any day. Enjoy your fasting!"

Russ and I received a Christmas gift last year, from a website called Bed and Breakfast.com. They were two gift certificates.... each for $100.00. All you had to do was go to the site, find a registry of the B&B's who are affiliated with the company, book it, redeem your coupons, and then just go on ahead and bed and breakfast your face off. Since we knew we would be heading south for the christening...we decided to redeem the gift, for that trip.

Russ booked a B&B, that is located in the Virgina Highlands area of Atlanta. Its a funky, hip area of Atlanta that is right near the park, and has a ton of restaurants, shops, and bars. And you know daddy. He loves a bar. When we flew in, we didnt check into the B&B immediately. At about 5 pm, Russ got a call from the owner.....lets call her "Ann". She told Russ that she was expecting us, and since it was getting late...she would be leaving, but would hide our keys on the porch, so that we could let ourselves in, and that she would see us the following morning for breakfast, which she cooked and served herself.

We arrived around 6:30. It was a very garden-y, nick nack-y, tiffany lamp-y house, that I WILL say...DID possess a certain amount of charm. Our room was right off the front porch, but the big down side...our bathroom wasnt attached. We had to walk through a small hallway and through the dining room, to get to the bathroom. I wasnt thrilled about it, but I let it go. Russ DID have to explain the huge shiner he was sporting the next day, but he knows enough now to make up a really good story about how he fell down or was beaten up for being a huge sissy, by a gang of Mexicans.

"Isnt that right, Russ? Youre clumsy... arent you? ARENT YOU?!?!?! Answer me, boy!

SMACK!!!!

See?!?!? Why do you make me hit you, when I love you so much!? Cause youre a WHORE!!! Im sorry baby, come give me a hug.

Just never book a bed and breakfast again, okay? I SAID, OKAY!!!???"

Its called, " a relationship."

Maybe you people should try it, someday.

I woke up the next morning, and Russ had already gotten up to use the bathroom. He told me that he had met Ann. She is in her late 60's, early 70's. She is 4ft 8in, and 90 pounds, soak and wet. She had those eye glasses that are kind of tinted grey, and she rocked a sweet side pony tail. Im not talking about low and near the nape of her neck. Im talking, up....near her ear. Just all of her hair, pulled into a tight, side pony. Like Crissy Snow, if she was an elven Jew.

We decided she was Paula Abdul's grandmother.

I put on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt.....because I sleep naked, you guys. Are you picturing it? Are you? Just me..naked..in stark white sheets? Ya, try not to get any on your keyboard.

I tip toed into the dining room ,and I saw her. She was in the kitchen. I peaked my head in, and say hello. Adorable, right? I told her that I loved her home, and it was a pleasure to meet her. She stood up, and rushed at me in a desperate fervor. " You cant be in here with out shoes!!!! Its against health code, you need to go back and get something on your feet!!!" Her tone and style of delivery, was such that you wouldve thought that I had just rubbed my balls all over the butter knife. ( Again..enjoy the visual, just dont get anything on your keyboard. Geesh. horny, much?)

I was taken aback. I guess I can understand the code, but...I dont know....maybe she could've said, " Oh, its wonderful to meet you too, you hot sexy fag. Just a reminder...when you are in public areas, be sure to have on shoes. Breakfast is in twenty!" Instead, she decided to showcase her koo koo bird-ness......and oh dear reader.....there is more to come.

We went out to the dining room, and sat down with Ann. I guess she was pleasant enough, but she did start to go off about illegal immigrants, cried poverty, talked about how much she disliked Atlanta, and tried to get Russ and I to help her with a few things around the house. Which we wouldve done...if she wasnt Paula Abdul's grandmother. I love crazy, but I like it from a safe distance. I dont want to eat bagels with it.

We finished up, decided to shower and hit the gym, and we proceeded to unpack, and get showered. She asked us if she could grab a credit card from us, so tha tshe could run it, and get that all taken care of. Fair enough. Russ grabbed his card, and the 2 certificates. When she saw the gift certificates.......

she.....

lost.....

her....

god damned....

MIND!!!!

She exploded that she WOULD NOT take them, that if she had known that we planned on using them, she wouldnt've allowed us to stay there, that we were REALLY putting her out, and so on.,.and so on....and so on.....

Heres the thing.

Im usually the one who causes the uncomfortable moment. When I do it, it typically involves a Vicodin, 4 glasses of white, and the fact that I think rape jokes are HYSTERICAL.

Its cute when I do it.

When Im left agog.....it really takes a lot....and miss thing made my jaw hit the floor. Russ and I stood, completely dumbfounded. She told us that the website docks her 20% from the total, and she hates doing it. I was left to ponder..." then why are you affiliated with that site?" Sometimes I like to really flaunt my high school education.

12 years!!!! Intimidated?

Because Russ is wonderful, he explained that the certificates were going to expire, and that we needed to use them. In exchange, we would pay any difference that she would lose from the website. That Russ!!! She BEGRUDGINGLY said that she would look into it, and would call us later.

Later that day, we did in fact get a voice mail from her, saying that she had made the call. She told us that she pulled her name from the site because she didnt feel like dealing with it any longer, but that she wouldn't charge us the 20% she would lose, and to just enjoy our stay.

Um....too late.

Russ and I were totally grossed out by Grammy Abdul, and just wanted to leave. When we gave her the card to pay for the remainder of our stay, she asked us to pay cash, so she wouldn't get docked credit card processing fees.

Russ...... politely...declined and handed her the card. I was ready to lose my shiz.

On our final morning, Russ had gotten up earlier than me, because its impossible for him to sleep past 6am while on vacation. When I got up, he was sitting on the porch with his lap top. He showed me the website " tripadvisor.com". On it, there were multiple reviews from other people, stating what a loony toons she was. That was Russ's bad for not looking there before he booked it.

Isnt it Russ?.....ISNT IT?!?!? ANSWER ME BITCH!

SMACK!!!!

The moral of the story?......Ill just stay at a Marriott or Hyatt. I like my bathroom, actually IN my room.......and if you guys feel badly for my treatment of Russ, then feel free to send him MAC under eye concealer in " tawny".

(ps)

Here are a few of the reviews from tripadvisor.

#1. The house and gardens were charming and the location was great, but it didn't make up for the owner. I went with my family and my long-term boyfriend and we used all 3 bedrooms. My mother received a discount for renting all 3 rooms, but when we got there my mom called Ann, who was not there to let us in, she said she wouldn't be serving us breakfast because of the discounted rate. This was never mentioned when my mom made the reservations. So we went grocery shopping and got some basics. Ann showed up the next morning and said she was confused and that she would make breakfast. She did reimburse us for part of the groceries we bought. After she left I found a note on the counter next to a chipped bowl that accused us of chipping the bowl (it was obviously an old crack) and that she was also missing a knife. Nice way to start the stay there. We left to go about our day, but when we returned that evening around 8:30 the screen door was locked and we couldn't get in. After ringing the bell several times she let us in. My suitcase had been moved around and looked like it had been gone through. On our last day she asked how long my boyfriend and I had been married and when I told her we weren't she said she would have to make a rule that only married couples could stay there. My sister went for a jog one morning and when she came back she put a towel on the chair and was sitting on the edge of the chair. Adele told her she couldn't sit down until she had a shower. The "missing" knife was in a tupperware container so I put it on the counter so she could see it. She picked it up and was holding it and then asked me where the missing knife was. I told her she was holding it, and she went on a long spiel about not wanting to nickle and dime us to death. Yeah, sure. I did like that the house had plaster walls so it was very quiet. The place has lots of potential to be great, but I wouldn't want to deal with the owner ever again.

#2. Friendly innkeeper but unusual behaviour. We shortened our stay and left early. Clean towels were scarce, we had to locate them ourselves, as only one bath towel and hand towel was provided initially, and there were two of us. Soiled towels were removed but not replaced. No snacks were offered. Two room temperature bottled waters were placed in our room, (no glasses) but only the first night. Innkeeper curled up on the sofa and napped all day, leaving dirty breakfast dishes on the dining table until late that night. The temperature in the house was either stifling hot or too chilly. No outside lights, one would step up into a dark porch area and have to find the keyhole in complete darkness. Our "private" bath, which was actually accessed by walking through the main house, had a window in the tub area that had no curtain. The glass was not frosted either. Would not have been a problem but the house next door is 3 stories and the neighbors could pretty much watch you take a shower. We had to wedge a hand towel with a shampoo bottle for privacy, or shower kneeling down. And when we checked out, innkeeper tried to charge us for 3 nights instead of the actual two nights that we stayed. There's more, but this should give you an idea. The one positive thing we can report is that the bed was very comfortable and we did sleep good, however, would never stay here again or recommend it to anyone.