THE BED & BREAKFAST OF DOOM.....

Who would of thought that at the ripe old age of 27, Id still be learning new things about myself?

Um......You know what? You can take that little face youre making right now, and go screw, and go screw big time.

27!!!!

IM 27 GOD DAMN IT!!!!

Fine. Thanks to botox and chemical peels, I have the FOREHEAD of a 27 year old. I have the sense of humor of retarded 13 year old, but the sagging nut sack and greying facial hair of your grand daddy....so lets just say Im 36, and leave it.

CHRIST, cant a glamorous tranny lie about his age for a second, without all of you judgey whores riding him?

HA! Riding him......

Anyhoo. I have learned that I AM NOT a bed and breakfast, kind of guy.

Russ and I just went down to Atlanta for his nephew's christening. If you know me, then you KNOW how much I love sitting in a church. And just a side note......I dont care what religion it is.....I just find religious "rituals", creepy. With the exception of the "drinking wine"part. Im down with that. "Its all good father O' Leary...its 5 oclock somewhere! Fill ' er up! Your gin blossom nose tells me that you understand. And the felony charges that youre facing, tells me that you love a good high school wrestling match."

But in all fairness..... who doesnt?

So, back to the rituals. To me...its all one step away from holding up a snake while speaking in tongues, and slitting a goats throat in front a bon fire. When the priest asked all of us to renounce Satan, all I could think about was......" but isnt he the muscle-y shirtless one, who's WAY more fun? No thanks, sister Christian. Ill take big red with the quarter sized nipples and propensity for gang bangs, any day. Enjoy your fasting!"

Russ and I received a Christmas gift last year, from a website called Bed and Breakfast.com. They were two gift certificates.... each for $100.00. All you had to do was go to the site, find a registry of the B&B's who are affiliated with the company, book it, redeem your coupons, and then just go on ahead and bed and breakfast your face off. Since we knew we would be heading south for the christening...we decided to redeem the gift, for that trip.

Russ booked a B&B, that is located in the Virgina Highlands area of Atlanta. Its a funky, hip area of Atlanta that is right near the park, and has a ton of restaurants, shops, and bars. And you know daddy. He loves a bar. When we flew in, we didnt check into the B&B immediately. At about 5 pm, Russ got a call from the owner.....lets call her "Ann". She told Russ that she was expecting us, and since it was getting late...she would be leaving, but would hide our keys on the porch, so that we could let ourselves in, and that she would see us the following morning for breakfast, which she cooked and served herself.

We arrived around 6:30. It was a very garden-y, nick nack-y, tiffany lamp-y house, that I WILL say...DID possess a certain amount of charm. Our room was right off the front porch, but the big down side...our bathroom wasnt attached. We had to walk through a small hallway and through the dining room, to get to the bathroom. I wasnt thrilled about it, but I let it go. Russ DID have to explain the huge shiner he was sporting the next day, but he knows enough now to make up a really good story about how he fell down or was beaten up for being a huge sissy, by a gang of Mexicans.

"Isnt that right, Russ? Youre clumsy... arent you? ARENT YOU?!?!?! Answer me, boy!

SMACK!!!!

See?!?!? Why do you make me hit you, when I love you so much!? Cause youre a WHORE!!! Im sorry baby, come give me a hug.

Just never book a bed and breakfast again, okay? I SAID, OKAY!!!???"

Its called, " a relationship."

Maybe you people should try it, someday.

I woke up the next morning, and Russ had already gotten up to use the bathroom. He told me that he had met Ann. She is in her late 60's, early 70's. She is 4ft 8in, and 90 pounds, soak and wet. She had those eye glasses that are kind of tinted grey, and she rocked a sweet side pony tail. Im not talking about low and near the nape of her neck. Im talking, up....near her ear. Just all of her hair, pulled into a tight, side pony. Like Crissy Snow, if she was an elven Jew.

We decided she was Paula Abdul's grandmother.

I put on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt.....because I sleep naked, you guys. Are you picturing it? Are you? Just me..naked..in stark white sheets? Ya, try not to get any on your keyboard.

I tip toed into the dining room ,and I saw her. She was in the kitchen. I peaked my head in, and say hello. Adorable, right? I told her that I loved her home, and it was a pleasure to meet her. She stood up, and rushed at me in a desperate fervor. " You cant be in here with out shoes!!!! Its against health code, you need to go back and get something on your feet!!!" Her tone and style of delivery, was such that you wouldve thought that I had just rubbed my balls all over the butter knife. ( Again..enjoy the visual, just dont get anything on your keyboard. Geesh. horny, much?)

I was taken aback. I guess I can understand the code, but...I dont know....maybe she could've said, " Oh, its wonderful to meet you too, you hot sexy fag. Just a reminder...when you are in public areas, be sure to have on shoes. Breakfast is in twenty!" Instead, she decided to showcase her koo koo bird-ness......and oh dear reader.....there is more to come.

We went out to the dining room, and sat down with Ann. I guess she was pleasant enough, but she did start to go off about illegal immigrants, cried poverty, talked about how much she disliked Atlanta, and tried to get Russ and I to help her with a few things around the house. Which we wouldve done...if she wasnt Paula Abdul's grandmother. I love crazy, but I like it from a safe distance. I dont want to eat bagels with it.

We finished up, decided to shower and hit the gym, and we proceeded to unpack, and get showered. She asked us if she could grab a credit card from us, so tha tshe could run it, and get that all taken care of. Fair enough. Russ grabbed his card, and the 2 certificates. When she saw the gift certificates.......

she.....

lost.....

her....

god damned....

MIND!!!!

She exploded that she WOULD NOT take them, that if she had known that we planned on using them, she wouldnt've allowed us to stay there, that we were REALLY putting her out, and so on.,.and so on....and so on.....

Heres the thing.

Im usually the one who causes the uncomfortable moment. When I do it, it typically involves a Vicodin, 4 glasses of white, and the fact that I think rape jokes are HYSTERICAL.

Its cute when I do it.

When Im left agog.....it really takes a lot....and miss thing made my jaw hit the floor. Russ and I stood, completely dumbfounded. She told us that the website docks her 20% from the total, and she hates doing it. I was left to ponder..." then why are you affiliated with that site?" Sometimes I like to really flaunt my high school education.

12 years!!!! Intimidated?

Because Russ is wonderful, he explained that the certificates were going to expire, and that we needed to use them. In exchange, we would pay any difference that she would lose from the website. That Russ!!! She BEGRUDGINGLY said that she would look into it, and would call us later.

Later that day, we did in fact get a voice mail from her, saying that she had made the call. She told us that she pulled her name from the site because she didnt feel like dealing with it any longer, but that she wouldn't charge us the 20% she would lose, and to just enjoy our stay.

Um....too late.

Russ and I were totally grossed out by Grammy Abdul, and just wanted to leave. When we gave her the card to pay for the remainder of our stay, she asked us to pay cash, so she wouldn't get docked credit card processing fees.

Russ...... politely...declined and handed her the card. I was ready to lose my shiz.

On our final morning, Russ had gotten up earlier than me, because its impossible for him to sleep past 6am while on vacation. When I got up, he was sitting on the porch with his lap top. He showed me the website " tripadvisor.com". On it, there were multiple reviews from other people, stating what a loony toons she was. That was Russ's bad for not looking there before he booked it.

Isnt it Russ?.....ISNT IT?!?!? ANSWER ME BITCH!

SMACK!!!!

The moral of the story?......Ill just stay at a Marriott or Hyatt. I like my bathroom, actually IN my room.......and if you guys feel badly for my treatment of Russ, then feel free to send him MAC under eye concealer in " tawny".

(ps)

Here are a few of the reviews from tripadvisor.

#1. The house and gardens were charming and the location was great, but it didn't make up for the owner. I went with my family and my long-term boyfriend and we used all 3 bedrooms. My mother received a discount for renting all 3 rooms, but when we got there my mom called Ann, who was not there to let us in, she said she wouldn't be serving us breakfast because of the discounted rate. This was never mentioned when my mom made the reservations. So we went grocery shopping and got some basics. Ann showed up the next morning and said she was confused and that she would make breakfast. She did reimburse us for part of the groceries we bought. After she left I found a note on the counter next to a chipped bowl that accused us of chipping the bowl (it was obviously an old crack) and that she was also missing a knife. Nice way to start the stay there. We left to go about our day, but when we returned that evening around 8:30 the screen door was locked and we couldn't get in. After ringing the bell several times she let us in. My suitcase had been moved around and looked like it had been gone through. On our last day she asked how long my boyfriend and I had been married and when I told her we weren't she said she would have to make a rule that only married couples could stay there. My sister went for a jog one morning and when she came back she put a towel on the chair and was sitting on the edge of the chair. Adele told her she couldn't sit down until she had a shower. The "missing" knife was in a tupperware container so I put it on the counter so she could see it. She picked it up and was holding it and then asked me where the missing knife was. I told her she was holding it, and she went on a long spiel about not wanting to nickle and dime us to death. Yeah, sure. I did like that the house had plaster walls so it was very quiet. The place has lots of potential to be great, but I wouldn't want to deal with the owner ever again.

#2. Friendly innkeeper but unusual behaviour. We shortened our stay and left early. Clean towels were scarce, we had to locate them ourselves, as only one bath towel and hand towel was provided initially, and there were two of us. Soiled towels were removed but not replaced. No snacks were offered. Two room temperature bottled waters were placed in our room, (no glasses) but only the first night. Innkeeper curled up on the sofa and napped all day, leaving dirty breakfast dishes on the dining table until late that night. The temperature in the house was either stifling hot or too chilly. No outside lights, one would step up into a dark porch area and have to find the keyhole in complete darkness. Our "private" bath, which was actually accessed by walking through the main house, had a window in the tub area that had no curtain. The glass was not frosted either. Would not have been a problem but the house next door is 3 stories and the neighbors could pretty much watch you take a shower. We had to wedge a hand towel with a shampoo bottle for privacy, or shower kneeling down. And when we checked out, innkeeper tried to charge us for 3 nights instead of the actual two nights that we stayed. There's more, but this should give you an idea. The one positive thing we can report is that the bed was very comfortable and we did sleep good, however, would never stay here again or recommend it to anyone.

WE ARE ALL ANIMALS......

Below is an original work, from myself. Its a short story, starring the character of my best friend...Lisa Johnson.

It is based on true events.....

LISA'S MOONLIT ADVENTURE:

A lusty tale, by Ryan Scott

Lisa Johnson finished her double shift at The Stained Napkin, and fell into an empty booth to count her tips. Sure, Lisa was turning 40, but the years of waiting tables at the local greasy spoon, didnt hinder her sex appeal. It was a good night, and Lisa let out out a husky chuckle, adding up the amount. $230.00!!!!!..." These horny locals fall so easily into my trap. My.....honey trap. This thought made Lisa laugh again, this time it was so hearty a laugh....her flesh lips quaked in their musky panty domaine, and Lisa caught herself allowing the laugh to morph into a primitive moan. " No...not yet"....whispered Lisa...to no one at all. Its not that Lisa was crazy. " Maybe horny crazy", mused our greasy protagonist, and with that.... she let out such a self assured guffaw, that her meow meow expanded, and a sopping kweef resounded into section 3 of the restaurant. This only got Lisa more frenetic. God, how she loved to smell her own gaping waft. An elderly couple looked over at the marinating source of the sex sound. Lisa proudly hoisted herself from her seat, walked by them, fanning herself with the cash, and said......." Thats some juice in my middle, aint it?". Laugh....did they laugh!!!!! Lisa tossed off her dirty apron. " Sorry about the twat burp", she called over her shoulder, and exited into the warm summer air. She peered up at the moon. " oh sister moon......I feel your tidal pull,".....whispered Lisa as she pressed her cheek against the car window, peering into the night sky. " Tonight, I shall honor your ancient power." Within 15 minutes, Lisa was home. The hot water sleuced her taught body. Soapy rivers trickled down the fatty curve of her boob sphere. They continued down here steamy torso, disappearing into the billy goat beard pubic triangle, where her labe lips resided. This was a night for pleasure, and Lisa knew it. I mean...the moon.....the kweef.......the billy goat beard? I ask you! Lisa got out of the shower, and relished the thick summer air, dancing across her naked poony. Carla had just gotten home from work, as well. Carla was Lisa's roommate, gal pal, and right hand diesel dyke. They had been friends since junior high. and they were going on nearly 25 years of Carla wanting to pounce on Lisa's meat situation. It gave Lisa a secret pang of self satisfaction, knowing that Carla ached for her. And she worked it. Sometimes, when Carla was shaving her forearms in the kitchen sink,......Lisa would flounce out of her bedroom, totally nude. She would bend over, and with lightning quick hands....would peel back her cooch cakes. " Carla....? Would you call this color hydrangea mess or baby rat? Im writing an online personal for myself. Carlas eyes dimmed, although she had a clear view of Lisa's wrinkled soul. " I dont know. Why do you need to do an online add?".....grunted the missing link. "Now quit that fuss and come over here and shave my balls." When Lisa entered the livingroom, there was Carla......working on her car engine. Carla looked, somehow....different. Was it the moon? Could Carla feel it too? The energy of the night? Her muscled back rocked to and fro, as she screwed the valve cover into the exhaust port. Lisa felt clear creamy rush, as her panty moose salivated. She strode over to the hulking she male. Lisa flung herself on her back in front of Carla, legs in a perfect V. " You see this?", Lisa mused , accentuating every word with an upward pelvic thrust. " This is your free pass to the zoo, except this monkey doesnt throw doody.....it just throws jizzgasm." The sentence was barely out of Lisa's slut mouth, before all 483 lbs of Carla was lezzing it up, on Lisa's poon piece. Oh my god......you KNOW Lisa loved it, dear reader. Carla's 5 oclock shadow sent her raging clit into a bursting symphony of slip slop sounds. Carla released her own 13 inch clit from her overalls,, and jerked off all over Lisa's slut mouth. And then all was silent. Silent, except for the chortling reverb from Lisa's tootie. Carla's musky sent hung in the room, and the remaining semen from her mammoth clit, danced down Lisa's flushed face. Lisa stood...wobbly.....and made her way toward her bedroom. " Hey...where you goin' ....Peacock?.....beckoned Carla. Lisa stopped, gripped the side of the door, and slowly turned. She eyed the brute, with a mischievous glimmer. " I have to get some rest. But, before that........I have to give you something." Lisa lowered herself towards the floor, and pushed out a meaty brown loaf from home plate. It plopped onto the hardwood with a weighty promise. Lisa hoisted the steamy log into her hand and hurled it at the Neanderthal victim. Carla caught the fecal onslaught, right in the squared jaw of her caveman like profile. Lisa turned, and as she exited the room said..." welcome to the zoo." She slowly faced Carla, then longingly looked out the window into the dark night. She turned, and as she slowly closed the bedroom door, whispered......" for we are all animals."...... " we are all animals"

THE WORST THING YOULL EVER READ......

Im about to lay out some of my latest material on you....and I just need to warn you.

Its hideously offensive.

Not offensive in the way that I like to walk into a dinner party, and go around the room to ask everyone how they feel about the word nigger, as long as youre using it on your grandmother....

Not offensive in the way I like to walk up to a urinal at an Alabama concert, and whisper under my breath things like......" im a toilet mouth slut", or " hey...fabulous balls."

Not even offensive in the way that Ill see a person in a wheel chair and laugh my ass off for 45 minutes.

Nope, this is truly horrible.....so.........just saying.......

If you've suffered emotional pain from a miscarriage or abortion...

do NOT proceed.

Okay. Are they gone? Are the cool people still here?

tee hee hee.....lets go.

So, we were in New Orleans over the weekend, and after a night of imbibing of the grape...I felt like poop butt. I texted my friend Lisa in the morning, and simply said.....' I feel miscarriage-y" She immediately called me, and let me know that she is willing to ignore a fag up to a point, but the word " miscarriage-y", deserved a phone call. Little did I know that that one text message, would inspire an entire afternoon of abortion and miscarriage material.

*** I want to design a line of greeting cards. One card, depicts fluffy white clouds. Its a heavenly scene, replete with a soft blue sky, and buttery rays of sunlight, filtering through the cotton-esque clouds. In the center will be a large wire coat hanger, with a cherub faced baby perched on the side. His little angel wings gently float out to the sides, and a small halo hovers around his smooth, bald head. He is staring up to the awaiting pearly gates, and he is holding a small harp. On the inside...it simply says....

" Congrat-abortions."

The other card is a water color scenerio. Spring time trees, just beginning to bloom their young buds. A meadow, dancing with the vibrant colors of June's flowers. A trickling stream, grazing lambs......butterflys. The card opens to reveal...

" This was going to be a sympathy card for your miscarriage....but I heard that the father was black. So I guess..... congratulations!!!"

*** I also really feel like there should be a drag queen named Missy Carriage. She would kind of barely be able to maneuver...and come out of from side stage.... in a slow, labored way. She would mostly be bald, but with just a few little fine strands of hair coming down, and she would have a featureless face except for bright red, glamorous lips. She would be covered in blood like Sissy Spacek from Carrie, she'd be holding a huge dirty martini, and a long fleshly pink chord would be coming out of the bottom of her dress. The song she lip syncs to?

" I will survive".

*** I like to use my friend Lisa in a lot of scenerios...mostly because she is a whore and has had a ton of abortions and miscarriages.

#1.

" Lisa, have you ever gone to the toilet, pulled out your tampon...saw a little shrimp attached to it, and yelled out.....IM GONNA NAME YOU SCAMPI!!!!"

#2.

One time a bunch of friends and I were at dinner with Lisa. She excused herself from the table, went to the restroom, and came back 20 minutes later. Everyone said..."gosh Lisa, what took you so long?

She grabbed her fork, pounded it against the table and yelled......" Urgh!!! I just had a miscarriage and I feel ten pounds lighter! WHO WANTS DESSERT?!?!"

#3.

One time Russ and I were watching this show about strange sexual fetishes. One of shows was about people who were in three way relationships. One was about a 75 year old woman named Hattie who only dates guys under 30. One was about women who had intense orgasms while in child birth. So....of course....

I picture my friend Lisa, laying down on the gurney. Her legs are up, and the doctor is sucking out her unborn child. She begins to writhe and moan, licking her glossy lips and tweaking her nipples......theres just something about getting an abortion that gets her off. She peaks all over the place, and when she is done......she looks through her legs and says...." is your name Doctor Goldenstein......or Doctor Casanova!

Meow!"

Thats when he looks up at her through her legs, and gives her a mischievous grin, and bloody thumbs up.

#4.

"Lisa....do you want a cocktail"

" Well I really should'nt.....but....wait one second".

( She pelvic thrusts, and kweefs)

" Shit, that one was a boy. "

#5.

Lisa...after your next abortion, I want you to put your lips right up to John's ears as he is about to insert it in you, and say..." treat my vagina like the cemetery that it is. " Wouldnt that be hot?

Okay everyone...well.....Im off to Hell. Kisses.