YOURE GONNA DIE......!!!!!!

A few days ago, I was reading a post on Facebook, and I saw that somebody who was in my class, was killed in a car crash very recently.

Of course, you cant help but feel sad at that kind of news. Since everything is always about me, all the time....I immediately thought of the day that I go to meet that fierce, black as night, soul sista in the sky.

Ive been to a few funerals in my life...not a ton. Its always the same. Lots of crying. VERY solemn. Everybody's head is bowed, and there are soft murmurs. Words of condolences are offered, and a handful of " he will be truly missed. Such a terrible loss".

Uh....Im gonna go on the record here, and just say...

" SCREW THAT NOISE".

Im holding ALL OF YOU to it.....that if for some reason I kick the bucket sometime soon.....my god.....PLEASE do not allow my services to be this kind of buzz kill mess.

Here are my requirements.

#1. Attire.

Ya, so.....I hate wearing black when its WINTER, because the landscape is depressing enough as it is. If my ridiculously hot body is in the beginning phase of decomposing...thats sad enough for everybody involved. NO BLACK!!!!! Slut red, anything see through, assless chaps, or sequins.

All acceptable.

#2. Pre service cocktail hour.

And by " hour"..... I mean " 3 hours". I want all of you to pile into some sweet, decked out party room. Here is where everyone gets nice and sauced. " Oh, youre a recovering alcoholic? Aw, thats sweet. But Im dead, dip shit....so down that Jagermeister shot, and stop flaunting your newly pristine liver. Its called, "bragging", and NOBODY likes it."

At this point in the evening...I dont even want my name mentioned, yet. Ever hear of a little thing called..." build up". Just shove the alcohol into your puss, and lighten the shit up, for one second. Extra points if a girl fight breaks out, or if there is oral sex performed in a bathroom stall. Even more points if its 2 men, and one or both of them are married.

HOTNESS!!!

Also....no food. Just bowls of Vicodins and Ecstasy tabs.

#3. The service.

I dont need all kinds of god talk because...

- - - I dont believe in him/her

- - - - If there IS in fact some kind of magical old man in the sky keeping score.......please. We all know who's name IS NOT on the " get in ", list. Im pretty sure it reads...

-Hitler

-Anne Coulter

- Kate Gosselin

- Ryan Scott

So, in light of that.....I want the shirtless, 19 year old usher boys to hand out a pair of Halloween costume devil horns to each person as they enter, and are escorted to their seats. I also approve of those twirly ribbons that are used in the Olympics. I dont know...when are they used? Some kind of ribbon gymnastics. I approve those...glow sticks.....and maracas.

#4. Officiation.

Ya....so um.....NO PRIESTS! I have some little nephews who are ADORABLE. I dont need that kind of sexual tension at my send off.

Or do I?

Im not sure about that one. Ill get back to you.

No priests, but I WILL take Kathy Griffin, Chelsea Handler, Sarah Silverman, Joan Rivers, or Lisa Lampenelli.

Some of you can go up there and share some shit, but here is an example of what will make me claw my way back up from the scorching depths of Hell, and hurt some people.

" Oh, Ryan.....( dab a tear....sniffle). Ryan....when you walked in a room, it just lit up! Your energy and happiness, was just infectious to all who were near you and....."

Im gonna stop you right here.

Puke, puke, puke. The only thing infectious about me is the Syphilis.

C'mon people!!! None of that. Talk about my love of drag queens! The fact that if Prince is on....Im gonna dance....no matter where where I am! One time I was at a sex club and pestered a tranny for 45 minutes until she showed me her penis to vagina, vagina!!!! Jesus..Im giving you a lifetime of material to work with!

Stop being so queer, and have a good time!!!

#5. The after party dance party.

Im just gonna say four things......

-Disco and 80's

- rampant drug use ( prescription and street)

- a start time of 9pm, and a finish time of 8am

-more oral sex in the bathroom.

Ok. Im leaving it in your hands. DO NOT disappoint.

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME.....

So......a week and a half until I depart for Atlanta!

My relationship with Boston is a strained one. Its kind of like.........ok.....you know those mornings when you wake up and going to the gym is THE LAST thing you want to do....but you force yourself to do it? While you hate every single second of it, you know its good for you in the end? Yeah.....there you have it. Thats how Boston and I relate to each other.

Id like to say that Boston and I have the type of relationship where it doesnt bother ME, and I dont bother IT. I consistently do my best to keep out of Boston's face, but it keeps sending me people who slam doors in my face, lay on the horn if I pause any longer than 2 seconds when the light turns green, and summers that top off at 99 degrees with 100 humidity, followed by soaking wet mud filled springs....and the winters? Give me a break. If hypothermia is your thing, then book your tickets anywhere from November to April.

But here's the kicker. Boston has been GOOD for me. I moved here two years ago, and when I did...oh my god......if you Googled the word " mess", my hypnotic yet sexually endearing face would pop up. You know how life sometimes just comes up behind you and body slams you into the nearest cement wall....then turns around and laughs as it counts the money it just stole from your wallet? Yah..that was me from about 2002 to 2009. If there was a poor decision to be made....I feel pretty comfortable in telling you to place all your bets on me.

When I met a wonderful man, and had the beginnings of a successful career, and moved into a beautiful home...I went into a panic. Im not struggling? Im not suffering? Im clicking into something other than survival mode? I couldnt deal. I was a fish out of water. I looked at all that SHOULD be making me happy, and all I felt was fear.

But dear reader....I sent my round, gorgeous, bubble butt to the nearest shrink....and allowed myself to grieve my past, feel some compassion for the little boy and young adult that I was, and allow myself to be happy and NOT have it feel like a sinful luxury that will dissipate as soon reality comes crashing back all around me.

My reality? In Boston I found a love that I think I will have until the day I die. And yes....you can place a bet on that. I rediscovered a gift I have, that got all blurry in a past life that was born out of serious trauma. Know what else I found in Boston? I found me a a sassy brunette who so thoughtfully threw me a " RELO-GAY-TION TO AIDS- LANTA" party. Anybody who does shit like that? Im in love. She is one hot bitch, and Im going to miss her terribly. Love to Shannon McLeod, aka...."Toilet Pussy McLoad". Dave and Mary? Please.......who's a cooler, more WONDERFUL couple than you? Oh...Me and Russ? Yes....I guess youre right. Most of all.... I redefined a friendship of 20 years, that like a fine wine.......makes me all warm and fuzzy...and then the next day has me hugging the nearest toilet, begging for mercy.

God, Lisa...IM KIDDING!!!!!

Btw, this is turning very " Wizard Of Oz".....

" Scarecrow...Ill miss you most~!"

Finally.....when I leave this city of Boston, Im also leaving a restaurant. This restaurant in particular is where Russ and I went on out first date. We had our one year anniversary celebration, there. Since that night of our first date, it has become our home. We sit at the bar when we go now....not at a table....and we laugh, and we gossip, and eat and drink, and I have lost countless, drunken hours on those bar stools.......Im SURE making a HUGE ass of myself. While Boston was doling out snow storms, and aggressive drivers, and sour dispositions....it also gave me a whole slew of little gems, inside that very restaurant. Tara, and Andrew...my god. When I think of not having you guys near me, my heart aches. Youre like my pushers, and im a filthy junky needing a fix. A filthy junky with the deadest forehead, this side of Beverly Hills. I love you both, and I think that...just maybe...you guys helped me soften my stance on Boston. Amanda.....Renee.....Michaela....TJ.....BUTTERFLY!!!! Youre the funner, nicer, more pleasant family I never had.

Oh Boston...fine...youre not that bad! I leave a better man, than when I arrived on your frosty, icy streets. Maybe.....those frosty, icy streets that I detest so much are a big reason for that. Damn, I hate irony.

BUT I LOVE ATLANTA!!!! HERE COMES DADDY!!!!!

A TALE OF A GRAVY LADEL.....

I totally stole this, But I think its funny. You will too......because I GOD DAMNED told you to.

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother
couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of John's sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two men interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you, Mike and I are JUST roommates."
About a week later, Mike came to John and said, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy
ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said,
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm
not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the
fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mike, and I'm not saying
that you 'do not' sleep with Mike. But the fact remains that if he
was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle
by now.
Love, Mom"

SHUT YO' MOUTH!

You know what really grinds my gears?....(Family Guy reference for the cool cats, out there)....

Cell phone etiquette. Or...lack there of.

Gross. Ive officially become a person who says " lack there of". When did I become my 6th grade English teacher? Soon Ill be saying, "Heaven to Betsy!"...or...." by and by."

If Im saying something cool like...

- "Heaven to Betsy, your 14 year old mail order boyfriend from Singapore sure knows how to scrub a bathtub!"...or......

-" Im dating a hot set of Scandinavian porn stars who are bi and bi...."

Then thats fine.

Any other use of those terms from 1948 out of my sweet, warbling lips....and please shoot me in the temple and put a sad ageing queen out of her dark and painful misery.

When did it become okay for us to be trapped in a semi confined space, and for you to pick up your cell phone.....( and you KNOW the ringtone is Nicki Minaj)....and just start in... like youre all curled up all comfy cozy in your leopard print beanbag, eating Fritos, and drawing hearts with an over sized sparkle pen? I understand that Keesha told your best friend that the new guy at your school named DeShawn said to someone during homeroom that he thinks youre cute.....but...GIRL! Right in my face? Unless DeShawn thinks that Im cute....take the shiz down a peg. I dont want to hear it.

Also....YOU, douche businessman. MMMhhmm....YOU! Greying temples. You drink Seven & Seven. Lots of nose hair. I know Tom is calling you with facts and figures, and projections....and ah......you know....other republican office jargon.....but....Im stuck in the seat next to you on this airplane, and you cant wait? You cant wait 10 minutes for the plane to unload...

( HA! " unload")

Listen....youre not the only one who is busy in life. I need to get to my couch so I can sit on it and complain to Russ that Im cold, and also..... where the shit is dinner.?!?!? Then I have famous people to party with, and at SOME POINT.......I have to drink too much in some tranny bar and vomit in a dumpster.

Ok?

So maybe YOURE not the only one. But I can wait 10 minutes.

But NOT if Im on the couch, and NOT if Russ is dragging ass. FOOD!!!!....MY MOUTH!!!!..

NOW!!!!!

My fantasy is to get on the subway, plop myself down in between two unsuspectings.....Ill already have the phone to my ear as if Im mid conversation. Im talking loudly, but since Im on the subway now....and its even more noisy....I have to up the volume. I just took it from 5.5 to a full scale 8.

Lets listen in....

Me:

Ya, bro! I got that check from my yearly bonus....and I was like...WHOA! SCORE! What was that Fred? Oh...cant hear me???

( dials it up to 9)

CHECK! I GOT THE CHECK FROM MY YEAR END BONUS!.......( laughter)....Thats right my man! I got my wife on the next plane to Toledo to see her family, and immediately opened google, and searched hookers....Asian.....Boston.

( more laughter)

Right, Fred?.....Nothing like cheating on your wife with a paid sex worker.

AN ASIAN ONE!

Aw, Fred. You know what Im talkin' 'bout! Anyhow...I ordered up this real filthy slut who would do anything for $300.00. Man, she showed up, and I didnt even bother showering. Those china men dont mind a little stink balls. THEY EAT OCTOPUS HEARTS FOR CHRISTS SAKE!!!

( thats when I look over at the elderly Asian woman across from me, and give a little wave.)

Anyhow Fred my man.....I started to do some stuff, and she got a little lippy 'cause she didnt like it. Thats when the ole back hand came in! I mean...$300.00!!!! Its like... Im not just GIVING this to you....to like....I dont know..."help you out" and get you on a "better road". Earn that scratch, whore. Last time I looked....I didnt see "Salvation Army" tattooed on my ass cheeks. I DID see lots of hair and pimples though, so I guess she DID earn that $300.00, if she had to look at THAT all night!

( laughter, laughter)

You know what Fred? Exactly!!!! The large and inflamed hemroids! I almost forgot!!! ( laughter, laughter). That makes me EXTRA disgusting!

Anyhow, I slapped her off the bed, looked at her laying in a heap on the floor crying, naked....and thought to myself, "man....Im paying some China man $300.00 for what happens between me and the old lady EVERY NIGHT for free!" Why do good guys always finish last, Fred?

( laughter, laughter). You try to do good, and it just blows up in your face every time.

Oh, right now? Im on the subway. Headed over to some guys house Ive been talking to on Craigslist. Never did it with a dude, but he showed me a picture, and all dressed up he looks....well.....he looks an awful lot like one of the chicks here on the subway with me, but she looks more used up and skanky then he does. Kind of like her c-setion scar is the color of an eggplant. You know the botch jobs they used to do in the 70's? Like that. She FOR SURE has one. She was probably cute 5 years ago. Her skins a little grey.

Meh, I still would. Wife doesnt get home for 2 more days.....still plenty of sex to be had without condoms...am I right, Fred?

( laughter, laughter)...Aw....anyhow, buddy..my stop is here. Its not the best part of town, but unfortunately for me...meth dealers dont live out in the burbs. Shit, Im jonesing to tweak! Ill ping you later, boss. Maybe we can hit up a bar later and do some raping. Ill text you!"

Fred?

FRED?!?!?!?

Oh, no problem. I SAID MAYBE WE CAN RAPE SOME GIRLS LATER! .....What was that, Fred? RAID some girls??....NO......RAPE!!! GET THEM DRUNK AND RAPE THEM IN AN ALLEY!!

( laughter, laughter)

Awesome, dawg. Holla at me later. ( click)

A QUESTION....?

Oh...hi, devoted fans!!!!! Im in Atlanta right now.

So, Clay Aiken fans are called Claymates. Beiber fans have Beiber fever. Adam Lambert has his Glam nation, and GaGa has her monsters.

What do I call all of you? You know by " you".....I mean my mother, my best friend...and some wierd guy in Sweden who keeps emailing me.

Give me your thoughts. VALIDATE ME!!!!

Oh, and Christmas is coming. Send me gifts. EVEN YOU, you filthy Jews.

hugs from the dirty south...

Yah...THIS Is A Hot Mess Right Here.....

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IVE BEEN SAVED!

I was watching "Good Morning America" this morning. Know why? Its morning. And Im in America.

Jesus!!!!! Pry much?

Cant I have one single moment without all of your dissecting eyes, picking me apart? Now I know how Madonna feels. My point is.........Im like Madonna. Im the Madonna of Dorchester, Massachusettes.

But less veiny. And less manly. And without 45 billion dollars.

So, on the show there is some yahoo evangelical preacher named Marcus Lamb, who couldnt keep his scorching penis of god, out of an eager vagina.

#1. You KNOW Marcus " Lamb", is his stage name. I see you Marcus! Or.....is it...." Percy Crumb?" Ya.....its definitely Percy Crumb. Except Percy Crum doesnt get that sweet, sweet bible thumping poon! Marcus Lamb? Oh, he gets it. Dont you worry. He wakes up sore....EVERY MORNING! I guess he is the one who should be watching " Good Morning America." Get it? From all the sex? Do you? Forget it. You dont understand.

#2. He's not in the news because he did something truly holy like build homes for the down trodden. Nope. He is in the news because he likes a little strange. As in.....' a vagina. A VAGINA THAT ISNT THE ONE THAT HE IS MARRIED TOO!!!. He was being blackmailed by one of his sluts to pay up or she would come out and tell the world that.......

he sees nothing wrooooooooong.......

with a little bump and griiiiind.

( how did you like that sweet mind 90's song reference? Youre welcome. )

#3. I LOVE THIS SHIT! Love it love it love it. I love it when these ...

-preaching from the mountain top...

-chicklet teeth...

-Just For Men hair dye in "Jet Black"...

-hootin' and hollarin'...

-sweating like a big fat pig while they dance jigs from the spirit inside them...

-holier than thou dirtbags...

come tumbling down.

Its so tastey, that Im going to do 20 extra minutes of cardio, because something THIS delicious HAS to be love handle inducing.

You know what? F**K YOU Marcus....." Lamb!!!!". PERCY CRUMB!!!! I could care less if you bang every whore at mass on Sunday. Do some crazy German shit. Get a paraplegic involved. Work it out! Just please dont stand up there and preach at my sexy ass about sin, and god's vengeance, and repenting, and the rapture. If youre gonna talk about Rapture.....Im only interested in hearing about the fact that Blondie was the first person to actually rap in a song.

If you hate on gays......you hire 12 year old Taiwanese male prostitutes.

If you preach " HIS" word like a psycho bingo caller......you for sure have 14 baggies of crystal meth in your top drawer, and are a regular at " Desire. An Adult Oasis For The Discerning Gentleman.

We are all sick of your hypocrite asses. Shut your face....put your penis where you want to......and maybe keep the lord out of it. Half of his followers are already koo koo enough as it is.

But on a side note.......selfishly...keep it up. I like some entertainment with my coffee and Good Morning America.

And when I say " Good Morning America"....

You KNOW what Im talkin' 'bout.

PREACH IT!